NATIONAL RIFLE & GUN ASSOCIATION (NR&GA) NEWS RELEASE
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
December 19, 2012
FOR MORE INFORMATION
NR&GA Awareness Campaign: 1-(800)-555-DUMB
The NR&GA has enacted several measures to ensure that American citizens will never again succumb to the devastating effects of the attempts by the anti-American liberal cabal to restrict and diminish Americans' constitutional right to bear arms enshrined in the Second Amendment. The NR&GA has enacted two major initiatives to increase awareness of the importance of gun ownership by targeting the two most vulnerable demographic groups in society: geriatrics and preschoolers.
Geriatric Gun Group
For decades, countless numbers of geriatric women have been gathering for the time-honoured tradition of collectively knitting lovely tea cozies, baby sweaters, afghans and scarves for family and friends. Although sweet in thought and while these soft treasures will keep their loved ones warm, such wasted efforts will never keep anyone safe and free from harm. Geriatrics, especially those living in nursing homes, are exposed as a demographic to the potential devastating effects of illegal guns and even legal guns that may be concealed by their personal support workers and caregivers. Geriatrics living in nursing homes are sitting ducks for ungrateful children and grandchildren who, after years of pent up anger and resentment for having to deplete their financial resources to care for their aging and elderly relatives, could snap and take out their aggression by storming their relative's nursing home and taking out its residents with an assault rifle. While we know that would relieve the financial burden and strain on Medicare, we here at the NR&GA do not support gun violence to eradicate a segment of society that financially burdens the government and taxpayers. The NR&GA has also been advised that theft and the spread of venereal disease is on the rise at nursing homes and there is no better way to protect one's property and person than with some good old flintlock. Thus, the only sensible course of action is to replace knitting circles with Geriatric Gun Groups at nursing homes across America. In each Geriatric Gun Group, each person will be given a semi-automatic weapon of their very own to keep, on which they will learn how to use guns safely and effectively, so that they never have to be afraid of being victims of elder abuse. The factual benefits of this program, in addition to self-protection, include:
1. Memory Exercises: Since the individual nursing home residents will have to be responsible for their guns, they will have to remember where they stored it. This constant exercise of having to recollect where the gun is at all times will help stave off the tragic effects of Alzheimer’s and Dementia.
2. Physical Activity: Target practice will keep our elderly spry as it will build their upper body strength by virtue of holding the guns themselves and withstanding their recoil.
3. Giving Back: As a way to thank the NR&GA for their NR&GA-donated Glock "Safe Action" Pistol, each group will spend one hour everyday giving back to society by cleaning and restoring guns retrieved by local area police stations as part of getting illegal guns off of the streets. This charitable act will help the police determine the source of supply of the illegal guns by being able to examine a nice clean weapon.
The NR&GA would like to dispel any notion that the stymieing effects of geriatric disease like Parkinson’s and Arthritis could disable our sweet grannies and grandpas from pulling the trigger. The NR&GA has been working very closely with gun manufacturers to ensure that the triggers and safety mechanisms on each NR&GA-donated Glock "Safe Action" Pistol are more sensitive, so that our aging population will not have to exert more energy to actively engage their hardware to defend themselves. After all, we here at the NR&GA believe that no one, especially those with disabilities, should be discriminated against and prevented from owning and using a gun. The NR&GA Geriatric Gun Group initiative is fully compliant with the Americans with Disabilities Act.
Preschool Pistol Packing Program
Our second and most important initiative is our Preschool Pistol Packing Program because you can never be too young for self-protection! The NR&GA has graciously created an AR-15 fund out of which we will buy as many AR-15s as there are school children in America, so that each child is armed when going to what has become the most dangerous place on Earth: school. At the start of each school year, along with the government-sanctioned books given to children, the NR&GA will be hand out to each child aged three to seven their very own AR-15 with a 100-round magazine. Under the guidance of what the NR&GA believes would be a Charlton Heston-approved curriculum, the NR&GA will send highly-skilled instructors to every school in America to teach the importance of gun safety, gun use, gun cleaning, gun storage and target practice to our vulnerable youth. At Christmas time, in honour of the birth of baby Jesus, the Tea Party has generously agreed to give each student annually the gift a new 100-round magazine. By arming our kids with guns at such an early age in life, no criminal background checks are required. Parents, all you need to do is remember to sign the release form that comes with each AR-15. Let the NR&GA do the rest!
We know that there is no "one size fits all" approach to gun ownership, so we have worked with the gun manufacturers to create a range of personalized age and weight specific sizing for the AR-15 for kids aged three to seven. Taking the needs and interests of these preschool and early grade children into further consideration, the gun manufacturers have produced a line of AR-15s in bubblegum pink/fuchsia for girls and in camouflage for boys. With the tenderness of their age, the NR&GA is aware that many of the psychological conditions that plague society may not yet have reared their ugly head, so the NR&GA has decided to send NR&GA-trained staff psychologists to schools on an annual basis to evaluate the mental health of all children in the Preschool Pistol Packing Program to ensure that only mentally stable children continue to own responsibly their NR&GA-given AR-15. However, we do not believe in discriminating against those children who have fallen prey to the calamitous effects of mental illness. Rather, the NR&GA will replace the AR-15 of those mentally ill children with a single shot 22 and wish them God-speed. Heaven forbid those kids use their gun in furtherance of what their psychological demons tell them to, we can only pray that they use their single shot on themselves.
To help reinforce the goals behind the Preschool Pistol Packing Program, we have engaged a country music singer with an A-rating, who wishes to remain nameless, to write the following song that will be taught by teachers across America so that the children learn to respect guns:
She'll be coming round the mountain with a gun,
She'll be coming round the mountain with a gun.
She'll be coming round the mountain,
She'll be coming round the mountain.
She'll be coming round the mountain.
She'll be coming round the mountain with a gun!
She'll protect you with her AR-15,
She'll protect you with her AR-15.
Oh she'll blast 100 rounds,
Oh she'll blast 100 rounds.
She'll protect you with her AR-15!
The Second Amendment will keep you alive,
The Second Amendment will keep you alive.
Stand up for the NR&GA,
And we'll protect your rights every day.
The Second Amendment will keep you alive!
Don't think we forgot about kids younger than three and older than seven. For the big kids who aren't packing heat, the NR&GA will offer a subsidy program to help parents pay for fifty percent of the cost for each child to have an AR-15. As for our youngest members of society, since the NR&GA cannot rely on parents to have sensibly purchased guns for themselves and their children in furtherance of their Second Amendment rights under the Constitution, the NR&GA has worked closely with a toy company, who wishes to remain nameless, to create the Teddy Gun. When a new baby is born, each infant will receive a Teddy Gun that will be beneficently bestowed upon them by their guardian angels at the NR&GA. Each Teddy Gun is equipped with a miniature AR-15 with a trigger mechanism in each of the right and left paws of the bear that can only be initiated if the Teddy Gun is facing away from the child. We have ensured that gun manufacturers built in the additional safety mechanism of owner facial recognition software so that the babies never fire on themselves. Since children tend only to hug their plush toys and since such toys are played with only under the direct supervision of adults, the NR&GA remains confident that accidental self-inflicted gunshot wounds and deaths will be reduced to nil. To be 100% safe, each AR-15 only holds a 20-round magazine and is safely secured in the belly of the bear to prevent the bullets from becoming choking hazards. With each Teddy Gun becoming a baby's "lovey," parents can rest easy knowing that baby will also be safe while playing with a toy compliant with Code of Federal Regulations, Commercial Practices 16, Part 1000 to End (16CFR) and ASTM F963-07 toy safety standards.
The children are our future, but not if they are not armed.
Remember, if everyone is packing then no one is pulling the trigger!
For all questions, please call the number found at the beginning of this release.
© 2012. Naomi Elana Zener. All rights reserved. Disclaimer: The National Rifle & Gun Association (NR&GA) is a fictional organization and is in NO way connected with the National Rifle Association. This is NOT an official National Rifle Association New Release and is in NO way connected with the National Rifle Association. All views contained herein are my own and this is a work of fiction and do not reflect the views, opinions or policies of the National Rifle Association.