MOMMIES by Naomi Elana Zener

There are five types of mommies I've come to know well,

All very different, of their traits I will now tell.

The first is the mean one with nothing nice to say.

Second is the neurotic, worrying about everything all day.

Then the third is the know-it-all whose advice is gospel and always right.

The fourth's nanny raises the kids, not so mommy works, but to party at night. 

The last is the best one but rare and hard to track,

She's the mom who is really cool and always laid back.

The last is the one every mother claims she is,

A lie women uncover five minutes in the mommy biz.

The mean mother is easy to identify as soon as your first meeting,

For not one nice thing comes from her mouth starting with her greeting.

She is snide in tone, eyeing you and your child up and down,

Then gives you a haughty look causing you to frown.

This mother will criticize everything from your parenting to your kid's attire,

Leaving you questioning your skills and causing you to perspire.

She'll exclaim "What a lovely child, a face only its mother could love!"

And you'll want to punch her out and give her a good shove.

Seeing how playful and easy your child is, clearly jealous of you,

You thank her for the compliment not realizing what she's about to do,

For then she says "it must be because you raise your child like she's in a zoo!"

"I can see your baby likes to eat," she continues on digging her ditch,

"From all the stains on her clothes!" mean mommy says - what a giant bitch! 

More criticisms and insults she bestows on you before her visit ends,

Solidifying that once she leaves, with her you'll never again be friends.

Hopefully you will quickly catch on to this mother's ways and learn,

How to spot a mean mommy, so in your belly no ulcer will churn.

The neurotic mother is of an interesting creed,

Before having kids, she should've thought twice to breed.

This type always suffered with neuroses pre-motherhood,

But once she gave birth her anxiety was beyond no good.

Every little sound her kid made sent her into a tailspin,

Calling the doctor worried a new illness was about to begin.

Diagnosing each one of her kid's symptoms using doctor Internet,

Ignoring pediatrician's caution that their advice was a safer bet.

During naptime she checks baby's breath using a mirror,

Take some Xanax, relax! Your thoughts will be clearer! 

Her house baby proofed like a maximum security jail,

Ensuring anyone trying to use the toilet would surely fail.

And if you should ever eat anything when around her child,

Be prepared to know the food's allergic components from severe to mild.

Being friends with this basket case is at your own risk,

If you are, be sure to keep your visits short and brisk.

For within moments of being in crazy mom's presence,

You question your parenting, losing all common sense.

A know-it-all mother may be the worst kind,

One chat with her will make you lose your mind.

Full of unsolicited advice that in her opinion never is wrong,

If unheeded, to her mommy group you can never belong.

She will tell you how to feed your baby and get her to sleep,

What classes are the best and what toys to keep. 

Only speaking of her baby as though he is the best,

Vastly superior in every way to yours and all the rest.

In case you forget to record her wisdom in copious notes,

In her blog you will find all of her advice, she boasts.

Never will she listen to your stories without referencing hers,

Expecting that with all of her conclusions you will concur.

Every word uttered narrates her baby's daily activity in minute detail,

Each conversation revolving around her and baby without fail.

And if after your baby she deigns to inquire,

It’s to compare hers to yours and for hers to be admired.

If heaven forbid your kid outshines hers or develops at a faster pace,

A cold shoulder you’ll get as she waits for your baby's fall from grace.

Tell her on all things baby she is not an authority,

Not breastfeeding does not make a monster of thee!

Stand up to this mother or in yourself  all confidence will be lost,

This woman and her advice from your home must be tossed.

We've come to the fourth mother of the five,

With her lifestyle motherhood does not jive.

This mommy has a live-in nanny but does not work, 

So that child-rearing responsibilities she can shirk.

Spit up does not go with her five hundred dollar jeans,

Playing with her baby won't keep her mani-pedi pristine.

Lunch with the ladies, shopping and spa days a plenty,

Biggest focus post-birth losing lots of pounds, likely twenty.

Not one to understand why with you your baby is always in tow,

Nor when her child calls nanny mama, yet despising it so.

If you're ever doubting your mothering, asking if you're doing a good job,

A playdate with her will buoy you, for your self-esteem she'll never rob.

Her narcissism you won't develop, there's nothing to fear, 

Unlike you, she'll never win mother of the year.

Finally we arrive at the best kind of all time,

The laid back mother, to meet one is sublime.

She never passes judgment on anyone's parenting skill,

For to her being a mother is just such an unbelievable thrill.

Nary a parenting book does this uber-mommy read,

As she relies on her intuition and instinct to lead.

To feed her baby or get him to sleep she rolls with his flow,

Tossing toxic mothers' opinions out, who cares what they 'think' they know.

Not enrolling her unborn fetus in private school,

Finding out what suits his needs as he grows will rule.

If baby needs soothing and all other techniques fail,

She will use a pacifier, it's ok crazy moms take a breath and exhale!

Taking doctors' advice without quadruple guessing,

Over every little symptom and ailment not obsessing.

No need to chart and diagram each baby developmental post,

When he achieves them she'll know without the need to gloat.

Her carefree child-rearing attitude is one to emulate,

Baby averting the psychiatrist's couch and turning out great!

With my conclusion l am sure you'll agree,

Laidback is the best type of mom to be.

© 2012. Naomi Elana Zener. All rights reserved.