The Birds and the Bees by Naomi Elana Zener

“Class, settle down!” Teacher reprimanded militaristically in a heavy southern bible-belt drawl. “You are all squirming around too much and we have some very important ground to cover today.”

A hush fell over the class. No more movements reverberated in the tightly knit group. Focus, attention and order were restored.  Squished together in a tight space without breathing room, the excitement and anticipation felt by the crowd for what was about to be taught to them was palpable.

“There is a movement afoot to keep you from knowing the truth, but it is my God given belief and right to set you on the path to righteousness,” Teacher advised.  “Boys, today you will learn the real facts about sex.”

The mention of the word sex drove the corporeal beings into a feverish state.

“Now do not get too riled up. We do not need a messy explosion that will have to be cleaned up later,” Teacher admonished. “This is a very serious subject. Before I continue, you all need to reassure me that you possess the requisite maturity to absorb this information.”

Nodding in unison, Teacher’s confidence in the class was re-established.

“Young Semen, every one of you has a very important calling. Each month the mission, should you choose to accept it, is to bear the burden and responsibility of finding and inseminating the elusive egg in order to create a new human life,” Teacher explained.

“Are you saying that we all will inseminate the egg?” one young sperm inquired.

“Unfortunately, boys, only one of you will succeed. Millions of you will be ejected into the unknown wilderness of a foreign female land that will be hara-kiri for all but one of you. You will leave here boys, but one of you will emerge a man,” Teacher replied confidently.

“Why on Earth would any of us want to take on those odds?” another young sperm inquired.

“You are a band of brothers and for one of you to vanquish the egg, you must support each other in this mission. If you refuse to do this, or God forbid fail, then the future of the human race is doomed,” Teacher surmised.  “There are uneducated myths swimming around here in these warm waters that must be torpedoed.  You must know the candid truth about sex so that you can protect the Man in which you live from unwittingly engaging in behaviours that could destroy him. You are the front line boys, so your job is to protect the dignity of the Man put in your charge.”

“What can we do Teach?” an adolescent sperm asked.

“Today we will discuss the most crucial issues about sex so that you will be armed with the necessary tools for you stand on guard and succeed in Operation Zygote. Let us begin with the overarching principle that sex should only occur inside the confines of marriage between Man and Woman. As a general rule, so long as each one of you remains steadfast and stalwart and do not eject yourselves from this safe haven that is your home, true sex by definition will not have taken place.”

“What is marriage and how will we know if we are in it?” a sperm asked.

“When Man marries Woman, immediately upon saying ‘I do,’ Man’s brain will send a signal, a message if you will, to the chief semen producer letting him know that the troops can be rallied and reservists will be called up for duty. Your numbers will multiply by the millions and the sheer volume will alert you to the fact that Man is now married and sex can take place,” Teacher advised with authority. “You have two jobs: the first is to act like a heat-seeking missile and find and inseminate the egg. But the second task, which starts long before marriage, is to prevent Man from engaging in activities that will compromise the sanctity of his sexual being. That includes premarital sex.”

“Do the eggs protect Woman the same way we protect Man?” a sperm asked.

“Unfortunately, there are so many fewer eggs inside Woman that they do not have the ability to protect her in the same way. This is why Woman is the weaker sex. This means that you have the job of protecting her too,” Teacher explained. “Now if there aren’t any more questions, let’s continue. Woman’s body is designed to ensure that only her husband’s sperm will inseminate her egg. Woman’s body is designed to prevent pregnancy from happening outside of marriage.”

“How does that work?” a sperm asked. “Don’t Man and Woman sometimes have sex outside of marriage? I know that this Man has certainly tried to engage in premarital sex.”

“Woman and Man may engage in sexual intercourse before marriage, but so long as you, my young Semen, do not enter into Woman, sex will technically not have transpired.”

Confusion ran amok amongst the swimmers, young and old, as many of them knew that their brothers before them had taken to sea in Man’s pursuit of sexual pleasure – sometimes even in cases where there was a struggle to do so.

“But, what if Man is determined to have sex with Woman who is not his wife?” another sperm inquired.

“Generally speaking, Woman has the right to say ‘no’ to sex and must if she is a God-fearing law abiding unmarried Woman. She is to save her eggs for the sole purpose of having her future husband give her children. However, there are those Jezebel harlots out there who prey on Man’s God-given sexual desires in their quest for enjoyment. Grown Man should not be having sex with such a Woman unless he is married to her, but if he does and you have done everything you can to stay indoors, then boys, you will have done your job and Man will have failed you because he succumbed to Woman’s wiles.”

“What happens if Woman says ‘no’ and Man continues to have sex anyway?” the same sperm pressed.

“Very rarely does Woman truly mean ‘no’ because she knows that her body is meant to have sex to make babies. If you’ve done your best not to swim in the waters of an unmarried Woman who has protested and attempted to disengage from sexual relations with Man, but end up doing so, then sex will have occurred and it will be called ‘rape,’” Teacher explained.

“Then we will have failed and a baby could be made!” a sperm squealed. Thoughts of fathering a bastard child filled the spermatozoa with terror.

“Calm down young snorkler, for if you find yourself situated in the narrow and rare circumstance of ‘rape,’ don’t you fret because the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. Woman’s juices don’t flow, and she will emit a certain secretion that stops pregnancy from happening!”

A huge sigh of relief spread like a syphilitic-wildfire amongst the deep-sea divers.

“Thank the Lord that Woman was made to prevent us from doing something wrong, like bring a child born out of wedlock into this world!” a sperm exclaimed.  “Let us pray.”

Bowing their acrosomes in unison, silence was observed as homage and gratitude were paid to the Lord almighty for granting Woman with the innate ability to protect Man from himself.  As if a lightening bolt had struck, one young sperm shot up from the crowd enraptured with a genius idea.

“Could Man simply not wear something to prevent us from leaving our gonads?” the young sperm cried out in wonder. “And, is it not possible for Woman to do the same, or even to take something so that a baby is not produced?”

“You speak of contraceptive devices, young diver, which are a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. The only way you can prevent pregnancy is through abstinence, apart from which no other forms of contraception exist!” Teacher barked to his recruits.

“But what about Jesus? He was an immaculate conception,” a smart-mouthed sperm asked rhetorically.

“Listen here young aquanaut, Jesus was a true miracle so show some respect. While it is true that our Saviour was born into the womb of an abstinent good Christian woman…” Teacher trailed off.

“Wasn’t Mary Jewish?” the same sperm asked interrupting Teacher.

“Do not interrupt me! With all due respect to those dear people, my friend, God Almighty, does not hear the prayer of a Jew. Thus, how could Mary be blessed with God’s baby if she was a Jew?” Teacher retorted.  All of the paddlers nodded knowingly at Teacher’s wisdom.

“Getting back to my point about Jesus, God only had one magical sperm inside of Him and since He is now sterile, there can never be another immaculate conception. So you don’t have to worry about abstinence not being the only foolproof contraceptive mechanism. There was and could only ever be one Jesus and now He’s dead,” Teacher advised in solemn reverence.

“Excuse me,” a meek voice said, “but I’ve heard about diseases that Man can get from sex, is this true?”

“I’ve heard about it too – something called AIDS,” another sperm offered.

“It is virtually, not completely, but virtually impossible to contract AIDS through heterosexual sex,” Teacher stated confidently.

“What about other diseases?” the sperm asked in horror.

“Same goes for them,” Teacher stated unwavering. “Heterosexual sex is disease-free sex.”

“Is there another kind of sex?” the sperm inquired.

“Listen soldiers, there are deviants out there who will do things that are against God’s will. These miscreants engage in what is called ‘HOMOSEXUAL’ sex,” Teacher advised. “‘Homosexual’ or ‘gay’ sex is when Man has sex with another Man.”

Teacher’s words were met with perplexed gazes bewildered due to the fact that during class the semen had certainly engaged in self-pleasure by rubbing up against one another. Fearful that such pleasure could be qualified as being ‘gay,’ since they were all such manly sperm, the semen’s movement immediately fell flat.

“Can Woman do that too?” an overexcited young sperm asked with hope.

“Woman can participate in sexual activity with Woman, but the law there is slightly more lenient in that if it assists Man to be aroused for the purpose of baby-making, then it is not quite so ‘gay,’” Teacher explained. “Boys just remember that homosexual sex is personal enslavement. Do you want to be personally enslaved? I think not!”

Heads shook wildly causing the spermatozoa’s mitochondrial middles to echo in a hum of disgust at the thought of being slaves.

“The bottom line young brigadiers is that so long as you don’t leave the confines of the testicles, then you will have prevented  Man from engaging in legitimate rape and homosexual sex,” Teacher stated matter-of-factly. “I think we’ve covered the bases, but does anyone have any further questions?”

“Just one,” a sperm replied. “What happens if Man is practicing for sex with Woman, and we are catapulted abruptly from our home? We have seen it happen on occasion to our brothers in the past.”

“Listen up and listen good. Should Man partake in the selfish and lustful act of self-pleasure known as ‘masturbation,’ then you must do what you can to stay put within the interior of the perimeter,” Teacher ordered.

“What’s so wrong with self-pleasure?” asked the same heretical sperm who had inquired previously about whether Mary was Jewish.

“Pay attention sass mouth! Man is supposed to be pleasing his wifely Woman, so if he already knows what pleases himself and can do so at will, then why is Woman in the picture?” Teacher asked rhetorically to no reaction. “Ok, think of it this way, ‘tis criminal behaviour for any drop of semen to be wasted on self-pleasure.  Each one of you divers, only gets one kick at the can. Do you want your call of duty to be a suicide mission where you end up dead on the floor because you tried to impregnate 1970s green shag carpeting in a moldy basement?”

Whipped up into a frenzied hysteria at the thought of being wasted by Man for his lustful and fruitless self-indulgent satisfaction, the baby-batter collectively vowed to remain immovable until Man took Woman as his wife.

“At the end of the day, soldiers you are ground zero in the combat zone to protect Man from himself. But more importantly, should you fail in your duty and allow Man to engage in any of premarital sex, legitimate rape, homosexual copulation or masturbation by extricating yourselves from the security and purity of the scrotum, Man will no longer be welcome or able to be a card-carrying member of the Republican Party of the United States of America!”

© 2012. Naomi Elana Zener. All rights reserved.