NATIONAL
RIFLE & GUN ASSOCIATION (NR&GA) NEWS RELEASE
FOR
IMMEDIATE
RELEASE
December
19,
2012
FOR MORE
INFORMATION
NR&GA
Awareness Campaign: 1-(800)-555-DUMB
NR&GA STATEMENT
The NR&GA
has enacted several measures to ensure that American citizens will never again
succumb to the devastating effects of the attempts by the anti-American liberal
cabal to restrict and diminish Americans' constitutional right to bear arms
enshrined in the Second Amendment. The NR&GA
has enacted two major initiatives to
increase awareness of the importance of gun ownership by targeting the two most
vulnerable demographic groups in society: geriatrics and preschoolers.
Geriatric
Gun Group
For
decades, countless numbers of geriatric women have been gathering for the
time-honoured tradition of collectively knitting lovely tea cozies, baby
sweaters, afghans and scarves for family and friends. Although sweet in thought
and while these soft treasures will keep their loved ones warm, such wasted
efforts will never keep anyone safe and free from harm. Geriatrics, especially
those living in nursing homes, are exposed as a demographic to the potential
devastating effects of illegal guns and even legal guns that may be concealed
by their personal support workers and caregivers. Geriatrics living in
nursing homes are sitting ducks for ungrateful children and grandchildren who,
after years of pent up anger and resentment for having to deplete their
financial resources to care for their aging and elderly relatives, could snap
and take out their aggression by storming their relative's nursing home and
taking out its residents with an assault rifle. While we know that would
relieve the financial burden and strain on Medicare, we here at the NR&GA
do not
support gun violence to eradicate a segment of society that financially burdens
the government and taxpayers. The NR&GA
has also been advised that theft and the
spread of venereal disease is on the rise at nursing homes and there is no
better way to protect one's property and person than with some good old
flintlock. Thus, the only sensible course of action is to replace knitting
circles with Geriatric Gun Groups at nursing homes across America. In each
Geriatric Gun Group, each person will be given a semi-automatic weapon of their
very own to keep, on which they will learn how to use guns safely and
effectively, so that they never have to be afraid of being victims of elder
abuse. The factual benefits of this program, in addition to self-protection,
include:
1. Memory
Exercises: Since the individual nursing home residents will have to be
responsible for their guns, they will have to remember where they stored it.
This constant exercise of having to recollect where the gun is at all times
will help stave off the tragic effects of Alzheimer’s and Dementia.
2.
Physical Activity: Target practice will keep our elderly spry as it will build
their upper body strength by virtue of holding the guns themselves and
withstanding their recoil.
3. Giving
Back: As a way to thank the NR&GA
for their NR&GA-donated Glock "Safe
Action" Pistol, each group will spend one hour everyday giving back to
society by cleaning and restoring guns retrieved by local area police stations
as part of getting illegal guns off of the streets. This charitable act will
help the police determine the source of supply of the illegal guns by being
able to examine a nice clean weapon.
The NR&GA
would like to dispel any notion that the stymieing effects of geriatric disease
like Parkinson’s and Arthritis could disable our sweet grannies and grandpas
from pulling the trigger. The NR&GA
has been working very closely with gun manufacturers
to ensure that the triggers and safety mechanisms on each NR&GA-donated Glock
"Safe Action" Pistol are more sensitive, so that our aging population
will not have to exert more energy to actively engage their hardware to defend
themselves. After all, we here at the NR&GA
believe that no one, especially those
with disabilities, should be discriminated against and prevented from owning
and using a gun. The NR&GA
Geriatric Gun Group initiative is fully compliant with
the Americans with Disabilities Act.
Preschool
Pistol Packing Program
Our
second and most important initiative is our Preschool Pistol Packing Program
because you can never be too young for self-protection! The NR&GA
has graciously
created an AR-15 fund out of which we will buy as many AR-15s as there are
school children in America, so that each child is armed when going to what has
become the most dangerous place on Earth: school. At the start of each school
year, along with the government-sanctioned books given to children, the NR&GA
will
be hand out to each child aged three to seven their very own AR-15 with a
100-round magazine. Under the guidance of what the NR&GA
believes would be a Charlton
Heston-approved curriculum, the NR&GA
will send highly-skilled instructors to
every school in America to teach the importance of gun safety, gun use, gun
cleaning, gun storage and target practice to our vulnerable youth. At
Christmas time, in honour of the birth of baby Jesus, the Tea Party has
generously agreed to give each student annually the gift a new 100-round
magazine. By arming our kids with guns at such an early age in life, no
criminal background checks are required. Parents, all you need to do is
remember to sign the release form that comes with each AR-15. Let the NR&GA
do
the rest!
We know
that there is no "one size fits all" approach to gun ownership, so we
have worked with the gun manufacturers to create a range of personalized age
and weight specific sizing for the AR-15 for kids aged three to seven. Taking
the needs and interests of these preschool and early grade children into
further consideration, the gun manufacturers have produced a line of AR-15s in
bubblegum pink/fuchsia for girls and in camouflage for boys. With the
tenderness of their age, the NR&GA
is aware that many of the psychological
conditions that plague society may not yet have reared their ugly head, so the NR&GA
has decided to send NR&GA-trained staff psychologists to schools on an annual
basis to evaluate the mental health of all children in the Preschool Pistol
Packing Program to ensure that only mentally stable children continue to own
responsibly their NR&GA-given AR-15. However, we do not believe in
discriminating against those children who have fallen prey to the calamitous
effects of mental illness. Rather, the NR&GA
will replace the AR-15 of those
mentally ill children with a single shot 22 and wish them God-speed. Heaven
forbid those kids use their gun in furtherance of what their psychological
demons tell them to, we can only pray that they use their single shot on
themselves.
To help
reinforce the goals behind the Preschool Pistol Packing Program, we have
engaged a country music singer with an A-rating, who wishes to remain nameless,
to write the following song that will be taught by teachers across America so
that the children learn to respect guns:
She'll be
coming round the mountain with a gun,
She'll be
coming round the mountain with a gun.
She'll be
coming round the mountain,
She'll be coming round the mountain.
She'll be coming round the mountain.
She'll be
coming round the mountain with a gun!
She'll
protect you with her AR-15,
She'll
protect you with her AR-15.
Oh she'll
blast 100 rounds,
Oh she'll
blast 100 rounds.
She'll
protect you with her AR-15!
The
Second Amendment will keep you alive,
The
Second Amendment will keep you alive.
Stand up
for the NR&GA,
And we'll
protect your rights every day.
The Second Amendment will keep
you alive!
Don't
think we forgot about kids younger than three and older than seven. For the big
kids who aren't packing heat, the NR&GA
will offer a subsidy program to help
parents pay for fifty percent of the cost for each child to have an
AR-15. As for our youngest members of society, since the NR&GA
cannot rely
on parents to have sensibly purchased guns for themselves and their children in
furtherance of their Second Amendment rights under the Constitution, the NR&GA
has worked closely with a toy company, who wishes to remain nameless, to create
the Teddy Gun. When a new baby is born, each infant will receive a Teddy Gun
that will be beneficently bestowed upon them by their guardian angels at the NR&GA. Each Teddy Gun is equipped with a miniature AR-15 with a trigger
mechanism in each of the right and left paws of the bear that can only be
initiated if the Teddy Gun is facing away from the child. We have ensured that
gun manufacturers built in the additional safety mechanism of owner facial
recognition software so that the babies never fire on themselves. Since
children tend only to hug their plush toys and since such toys are played with
only under the direct supervision of adults, the NR&GA
remains confident that
accidental self-inflicted gunshot wounds and deaths will be reduced to nil. To
be 100% safe, each AR-15 only holds a 20-round magazine and is safely secured
in the belly of the bear to prevent the bullets from becoming choking hazards.
With each Teddy Gun becoming a baby's "lovey," parents can rest easy
knowing that baby will also be safe while playing with a toy compliant with
Code of Federal Regulations, Commercial Practices 16, Part 1000 to End (16CFR)
and ASTM F963-07 toy safety standards.
The children are our future, but not if they are not armed.
Remember,
if everyone is packing then no one is pulling the trigger!
For all questions, please call the number found at the beginning of this release.
© 2012. Naomi Elana Zener. All rights reserved. Disclaimer: The National Rifle & Gun Association (NR&GA) is a fictional organization and is in NO way connected with the National Rifle Association. This is NOT an official National Rifle Association New Release and is in NO way connected with the National Rifle Association. All views contained herein are my own and this is a work of fiction and do not reflect the views, opinions or policies of the National Rifle Association.
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