With another year of marriage coming to a close, Wife was carefully planning a lovely surprise to honour and celebrate the vows she and Husband had taken five year earlier. It seemed like only yesterday that they walked down the aisle at the overpriced hotel to be betrothed, until death would them part, before a crowd of hundreds, whom today have no part in their current lives. Flipping through their wedding album, Wife admired the sparkle in her engagement ring, which now sat in a safety deposit box worn only on special occasions for its sheer size had offended her loud-mouthed jealous coworkers. As the photos flashed before her eyes, Wife was impregnated with a brilliant thought to recreate the magic of their wedding night by whisking Husband off to the hotel where the milestone transpired. Wife made a careful list of all elements needed to remind Husband how lucky he was that fateful night when his blushing bride said "I do": book the hotel room, order a limo, recreate the wedding meal with the hotel chef, order a centrepiece identical to the one from their wedding to adorn the dinner table, and have wedding dress cleaned. On second thought, Wife believed it would be better to simply buy an outfit that better reflected her current style rather than go through the emotional expense and humiliation of even attempting to see if her wedding gown still fit. Better the dress should remain in its final resting place. Delighted at how her plans had all fallen into place, in anticipation of Husband's return home from the office, Wife sprawled herself out seductively on their matrimonial bed with her handmade invitation to Husband resting against her bare bosom.
"Why are all of the
fucking lights off?" Husband cried as he tripped over the one too many
pairs of shoes that formed a minefield in the
"I'm upstairs" Wife called out sweetly.
be up in a minute," Husband replied. After tossing his coat, boots and
briefcase aside haphazardly, Husband retreated to the kitchen to
retrieve a cold beer to imbibe while enjoying the hockey game in the
Wife stirred uncomfortably as she was stiff from
lying strategically on the bed to hide the extra marital-induced adipose
tissue that had taken residence on her posterior over the past five
"I thought you were going to be up in a minute," Wife
sang restlessly trying to mask her annoyance at the fact that Husband,
home already for twenty-five minutes, had not come to their bedroom in
the minute he had promised.
"I'm just catching a few minutes of the game. It's been a long day and I just need a few minutes to unwind," Husband replied.
patient and understanding, Wife dutifully remained in her come hither
pose, hoping that this
time Husband's definition of a few minutes did not bear an alternative
meaning. Forty-five minutes later, with no sign of life climbing the
stairs, Wife angrily hopped off the bed, grabbed her robe and handmade
invitation and stormed downstairs.
"Here!" Wife shouted thrusting the invitation in Husband's beer bottle-filled hand. "Happy fucking anniversary!"
"What the fuck?" Husband choked, as beer dribbled down his chin and onto the envelope.
"Now look what you did! The beer is causing the ink to run," Wife exclaimed.
is wrong with you tonight?" Husband asked dumbfounded, as he craned his
neck to try to see the Wife-blocked television screen.
just as hard as you do, yet I manage to come home and plan to surprise
you. And what do you do? You selfishly squander my time by lying in
front of the TV" Wife cried.
"Are you on your period? You're acting like a hormonal lunatic," Husband
"You're a douchebag," Wife shouted. "I was trying to
invite you to a romantic anniversary date, and all you had to do is come
"But, since it was a surprise, how could I have known
to come upstairs," Husband replied. "You should have told me what was
going on, and then I would've come upstairs."
"Then it wouldn't be a surprise!" Wife shrieked.
"You're really lucky to be married to such a patient and understanding guy like me," Husband stated.
"What did you say to me?" Wife snarled.
"I said you're so lucky to be married to me," Husband whispered. "You can get a little nuts sometimes, and I don't sweat it."
get nuts? Right, I'm nuts, but you are perfect, never selfish, never
lazy, never a vanilla lover. Yes, I'm the lucky one. In fact, I will
show you just how lucky I am!" Wife sneered as she marched into the
kitchen to pour herself a large glass of wine before returning to her
Husband peeled open the damp invitation that remained
legible enough for him to make out the date, time and place of the
anniversary plans Wife had tenderly coordinated.
looks great! I can't wait to celebrate our five year wedding anniversary
with you," Husband called after Wife who had retired for the evening.
"It will be just like our wedding night. By the way what's for dinner
The week post-fight passed slowly, with Husband buying
Wife a rose every day leading up to their anniversary. The morning of
their anniversary arrived with Wife leaving the house two hours before
Husband awoke from his nightly slumber. Husband's eyes were first met
with a post-it note, bare but for the words "C U L8R xo." Assuming that
he had dug his way out of the doghouse, Husband set about getting
ready for work and packing his overnight bag for his eventual
rendez-vous with Wife later that night at six
Husband spent his workday receiving warm wishes and
hearty congratulations from coworkers who knew that he was celebrating
his anniversary. When asked what he and Wife were doing to commemorate
five years of marriage, Husband shared with his colleagues what plans
lay in wait for him that night, while he boasted that he would gift Wife
with his presence and tickets to a playoff hockey game. Thinking that
perhaps Wife may be expecting some traditional romantic gifts, Husband
arrived early at the hotel at five o'clock with flowers and chocolates
in hand. After being escorted to the honeymoon suite where Husband and
Wife had consummated their marriage five years prior, Husband put the
flowers in a vase and set the chocolates and hockey tickets on the bed.
Having time to spare, Husband decided to enjoy a hot leisurely shower
before Wife's arrival.
At six o'clock sharp, a strong knock at
door alerted Husband to Wife's arrival.
However, rather than being greeted by Wife, Husband was bewildered by
the sight of a long line of scantily-clad unattractive women,
thirty-five deep in number, snaking through the hall to the elevator,
all of whom were shouting that they would rock his world.
"He's mine!" one skinny woman with cystic acne shouted.
"I was here first!" another lady, with what appeared to be three buttocks protruding from her skirt, exclaimed.
"Let me at him!" a transvestite shouted.
is going on here?" Husband cried as he attempted to calm the
cacophonous crowd. "Who the hell are all of you? Where is my wife?"
The first woman in line, with a hairy mole emanating from her nose, handed Husband a cut out advertisement from local newspaper.
are you tired of sitting home alone every night wondering where all of
the Mr. Rights have gone? Have you watched your friends get married
only to bear witness to those marriages falling apart, thinking that
had those men married you instead of their chosen brides, they would
still be happily married today? Are you just waiting to please a man who
will tell you how lucky you are to be married to him? Do you carry a
little extra loving around your mid-section, thighs and buttocks? Do
you have unsightly facial features, such as moles you try to pass off
as beauty marks and errant lip hairs that have yet to meet a hair
removal system that is successful? Well ladies, look no further
because I have a man for you! Come to Hotel Moritz at 6p.m. sharp
on March 7 and you will have your chance to enjoy what I've been so
lucky to have all to myself all these years: my husband.Realizing
that he was not the victim of a
practical joke, Husband quickly retreated behind the door to his suite
and locked it shut before the lusty horny women could get their paws on
him. Furiously dialing Wife's cellphone to try to locate her, a text
from Wife pinged through before he could connect the call, advising him
that she was enjoying a frothy piña colada in St Barts while she ponders how lucky she is to be married to such a patient and understanding man.
© 2012 Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.
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