Beautiful bouncing babes of
mine,
Your futures shine bright
in the eyes of thine.
Fear not the obstacles that
may be thrown your way,
For Mama Bear shall guide
you come what may.
Choosing the path most
righteous at the fork in the road,
With learned wisdom
propelling you forward, progress never slowed.
Heed my words; keep them on
repeat whispering in your ear,
Do the right thing always,
and my wrath you need not fear.
Tempted by peers to engage
in and photograph premarital sexual activity?
Like a life preserver,
remember hasten to hold on to your virginity!
With advanced technology,
your acts live forever in the ether of the Internet,
Insufficient deterrent? Do
it and Mama’s sex tape will go viral, on that you can bet!
Humiliation unparalleled,
you’ll regret having uncrossed your legs,
I will do what it takes to
prevent teenage fertilization of your eggs!
And my boy, there will no
double standard for you,
Unzip your pants, let sperm
free flow, a premature vasectomy will do!
Contemplating using a cell
phone to send a racy text?
Forget not who pays the
bill; the consequences will leave you vexed.
For each naughty haiku
delivered from your number to another,
No criminal charge will set
an example like that care of your mother.
Perhaps I will collect each
one sent and received, posting them to my blog,
Your friends will disappear
once their sexts float in the Web’s fog.
Loneliness is not what I
want for you,
But, to teach you a lesson
is what I must do.
Loss of mobile, computer
and all other devices alone won’t suffice,
Forcing you to educate
schools on dangers of sexting will be the price.
As for late-night
booze-filled parties you’ll lie about to attend,
“Be a pal, not a parent!”
you’ll beg; on that I won’t bend.
The punishment meted out
for mixing youth, alcohol, drugs at such fetes I’ll prescribe,
Your parents on the guest
list, arriving drunk with baby stories, humiliation never survived.
How you had nervous diarrhea
regularly until you turned twelve,
Plans for gymnastic meets
and ballet recitals had to be shelved.
Or, how my boy’s
nose-picking “foodie” proclivity evolved,
Into now licking his popped
pimple puss, a habit we’re trying to solve.
A tattoo or weird piercing
you’ll plead for you when you turn sixteen,
A dolphin jumping your
ankle’s wave, or the ‘best barbed-wire arm band’ you’ve ever seen.
Promises of great grades,
doing more chores, smoke and mirror tricks up your sleeve,
Begging while I am on the
phone distracted or from the house about to leave.
Sadly, for you Alzheimer’s
will not yet have become my brain’s plague,
If you pierce your nipple
or brand your skin, better seek amnesty in The Hague.
Not only will your Prince
Albert’s holes close or a laser be your tattoo’s end,
But to each class I’ll
accompany you with Care Bear stickers visible on my rear end.
All of your chums told how
said adhesives came from your vast collection,
To be commemorated by
getting matching tattoos of them inked on our midsections.
Respect and tolerance are
the values you are to uphold,
Failing them by being cruel
to others, your soul you will have sold.
Heaven forbid despite my
best parenting efforts my rules you subvert,
And transform into a bully,
your victims won’t be the only ones hurt.
Before descending on your
knees for Mother’s clemency, allow me to abate,
All foolish ideas that I’ll
protect you from harming those you hate.
For the infliction on you
of society’s retribution for mistreating another,
Will tower over any
castigation wildly imagined by your Mother.
Remember, I love you
always, dedicating my life to yours so that you may soar,
But, over my dead body,
will I let you become an alcoholic, pierced, tattooed, bully, drug-addicted
whore!
© 2013 Naomi Elana Zener. All
rights reserved.
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