Illicit Sex by Naomi Elana Zener

 “Welcome gentlemen,” a man clad in head-to-toe white said from behind his lectern. “Thank you for taking your seats, as I would like to begin.”

Approximately thirty men, all dressed in the same standard issue blue hospital gowns, were seated on uncomfortable plastic chairs in an otherwise white-walled non-descript room.

“Let’s start by acknowledging that you all know why each and every one of you is here,” the man suggested. “Your ‘devil-may-care’ attitudes, failing to heed your doctors’ advice, resulted in your being seated before me.”

All of the men’s heads bobbed up and down in begrudging unison, accepting that their nonchalance and reckless behaviour had borne the consequences of which they were warned. Each man knew that their respectively poor impulse control had led them down the garden path of temptation, allowing themselves to eat from Eve’s forbidden fruit, when they should have followed strictly their physicians’ advice to a tee.

“How many of you had cardiac bypass surgery?” the man asked.

Approximately, twenty hands shot up in the air.

“And, how many of you had a heart attack?” the man queried.

The remaining ten hands flew up.

“How many of you are married?” the man pressed.

Every hand was raised.

“Finally, how many of you have a little something on the side?” the man asked.

Knowing glances of shame bounced around the room, as the collective group of men’s eyes was lowered in false humility, providing the man at the lectern with the answer he already knew.

“So, this then begs the question as to why all of you married men, with life-threatening heart conditions, thought it wise to disregard the stern warnings you all got from your doctors, and went ahead and had sex with your mistresses before you had been given the green light to have sex with your wives?” the man asked.

“But, I was already able to climb two flights of stairs briskly and even waited eight weeks before I made love to my girlfriend. I even used the recommended reverse cowgirl position with pillows to make it less strenuous for me!” one man cried. “Why should it matter who the vagina belonged to?”

“While I didn’t wait the recommended eight weeks or climb any stairs, all I did was let a hooker give me a five minute blowjob,” another man added.

“The point is that sex with a woman other than your wife after a cardiac event, is more dangerous than sexual relations with your wife,” the man at the lectern stated. “You were warned that that if you engaged in illicit sex further cardiac occurrences would likely occur. And, now you’re all DEAD!”

“This isn’t fair,” another man shouted.

“This is Purgatory. I don’t deal with fair, I just deal with who is going to Heaven and who is going on down to Hell,” the man at the lectern stated.

The other men decided to invoke their right to remain silent so as to avoid a trip to Hades. Their collective failure to keep their respective peckers in their pants had cost them their lives. They knew that they were told to wait six to eight weeks after they had experienced their respective heart troubles before having sex with only their wives. They knew they had to be able to briskly climb two flights of stairs without breaking a sweat before even picturing their wives naked. They were even told that their first sexual encounters with their wives should only involve kissing and light petting. Yet, they had all dismissed these warnings as puritanical attempts to keep them on the straight and narrow, each having figured that since they were seasoned sexual game players, their hearts could handle some sex of the non-marital variety.

“I respect that my doctor advised me to stay away from my mistress, but we’ve been together for ten years, so she’s like a wife. And, my real wife was too scared to have sex with me for fear of breaking my heart,” a man offered. “What was I supposed to do?”

“So, instead you broke hers?” the man at the lectern asked rhetorically.

“My wife just inherited eight million large as a result of my untimely death. Her heart ain’t broken,” the same man advised.

“Nice attitude,” the man at the lectern replied. “But, then what of your mistress’ heart? You don’t think she feels horrible that her vagina is what caused you to kick the bucket?”

“Maybe, but what a way to go!” the man laughed high-fiving the man seated to his left. The other men all shouted out cheers of support.

“Well that delightful attitude just bought you a first-class one-way ticket to Hell,” the man at the lectern advised. Two flying monkeys with flaming wings plucked the man from his seat to transport him to Hell for an eternal visit with Satan. “Since you all find illicit sex to be so gratifying, let me tell you what Satan has in store for you. Your raunchy road to Hell under Satan’s watchful eye does not mean a hedonistic adventure with any young lady you want. No, instead you get to spend the first thousand years or so in your new residence as the sodomy bitches for some of the nastiest dictators of all time, including Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot and Idi Amin. The next thousand years will be celibate ones, and only if Satan takes a liking to you, will he then allow to you cavort in his version of the Garden of Eden, which is similar to the Hedonsim resort in Negril, Jamaica.”

The fraternity of remaining philanderers quickly fell to their knees in dynamic acts of prayer and contrition, begging to be forgiven for their transgressions.

“Pray hard!” the man at the lectern instructed. “At this point, vigorous exercise can only help you. Otherwise, when in Hell steer clear of Genghis Khan, as he likes to use swords during his sex play!”

© 2013 Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.

The Oligarchs Are Fleeing! The Oligarchs Are Fleeing! by Naomi Elana Zener

Standing stoically on the podium, with the White House’s crest resolutely present in the background, the President was ready to address the free world, flanked by other Western heads of state there in solidarity to support him.

“Good evening, my fellow Americans and citizens of the world. I am here tonight to announce to both this great nation and the world-at-large the immediate implementation of new bipartisan legislation, which was passed unanimously in both houses, called the ‘Law Banning the Propaganda and Fiduciary Deposit of Non-Traditional Accumulation of Ill-Gotten Russian Oligarchic Wealth.’ The United States of America is capitalist democracy that supports and encourages every citizen to build their own empire, but as Americans, we can no longer idly stand by turning a blind eye to the use of our banking system by Russian Oligarchs as personal repositories for their nefariously obtained financial wealth. I stand before you with my comrades-in-arms, my fellow Western democratic leaders, who support our domestic agenda internationally and will be implementing similar laws in their own countries. Under the new law, Russian Oligarchs’ assets in the United States, and in other affected countries, will be subject to a ninety-five percent tax on both income and capital gains derived there from, effectively making it illegal and impossible to be a wealthy Oligarch outside of Russia. We believe that Oligarchy is an economic enemy of the United States, as such wealth takes advantage of our western democratic economy, while the political beliefs and agendas that permitted such Oligarchy to develop and exist are intent on destroying our Western socially democratic principles and way of life.

No longer will the United States, along with my colleagues’ nations, be a collective of countries allowing such Oligarchs to benefit from our Western way of life, when they have obtained their wealth as a result of being partisan friends of the corrupt Kremlin, which unscrupulously privatized national assets on the cheap to the detriment of the rest of its citizenry.

The effectiveness of the new legislation is two-fold, in that it is comprised of both a taxing and a criminal element. First, the ninety-five percent tax essentially means that that all assets any Russian Oligarch owns within the perimeter of our great nation’s borders, including land, money on deposit in any bank or on any security exchange, will be taxed. To satisfy the payment of the tax, any Oligarch affected will have the choice of either paying the tax out-of-pocket with non-U.S. based assets, or have their U.S. based assets seized and sold. All proceeds of said tax will go to fund directly lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered initiatives with an emphasis on the global dissemination of public pro-gay rights awareness campaigns for the passage of laws giving lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered people equal rights as those afforded to heterosexuals residing in the same country.

The second part of the legislation contains punitive measures, criminalizing any attempt by an Oligarch to evade the force and effect of the law. Any Oligarch caught trying to contravene the provisions of this Act by trying to move, sell, lease, transfer, assign or otherwise dispose of U.S. based assets without first paying the ninety-five percent tax, will be found guilty of an indictable criminal offense. An Oligarch found guilty of violating the law will have all of their assets immediately seized and liquidated. Furthermore, the Oligarch will be forced to live in a designated “Pride House” in the closest gay community to the Oligarch’s former primary residence, in the United States or other participating country, for a period of up to a maximum of two years, as we do not want to impose on the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered community’s hospitality. During their tenure as a guest of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered community, the Oligarch will have to wear an ankle bracelet monitoring and restricting their movements to the confines of the gay community.  During their stay, the Oligarch will have to complete one thousand hours of community service, which can be satisfied in a variety of ways, including but not limited to: hosting Pride Week parties and dancing on a float, becoming a big brother or sister to a disenfranchised gay youth, or going to schools to educate our children on the importance of publicly supporting gay rights. An additional non-exhaustive list of acceptable community service initiatives will be set out in the regulations appended to the law. Last, all Oligarchs will be identified by the U.S. government and will be forced to wear a “Friend of the LGBT Community” rainbow flag pin.

We believe that the underlying policy objectives behind the legislation, namely to encourage equal rights for all regardless of sexual orientation, and combating intolerance of gays and supporting the freedoms of speech and association, including the right to publicly display and promote one’s sexual orientation, will be achieved through the enactment of ‘Law Banning the Propaganda and Fiduciary Deposit of Non-Traditional Accumulation of Ill-Gotten Russian Oligarchic Wealth.

On a final note, I would like to add that this legislation is retroactive in its application to every Oligarch with assets on U.S. soil and in every country with similar legislation. So any Oligarch who thinks that their current assets will be free from the grasp of this new law will be sorely mistaken if they try to defy it.  Now, my fellow heads of state and I will take any of the Press Corps’ questions.”

© 2013 Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.