Illicit Sex by Naomi Elana Zener

 “Welcome gentlemen,” a man clad in head-to-toe white said from behind his lectern. “Thank you for taking your seats, as I would like to begin.”

Approximately thirty men, all dressed in the same standard issue blue hospital gowns, were seated on uncomfortable plastic chairs in an otherwise white-walled non-descript room.

“Let’s start by acknowledging that you all know why each and every one of you is here,” the man suggested. “Your ‘devil-may-care’ attitudes, failing to heed your doctors’ advice, resulted in your being seated before me.”

All of the men’s heads bobbed up and down in begrudging unison, accepting that their nonchalance and reckless behaviour had borne the consequences of which they were warned. Each man knew that their respectively poor impulse control had led them down the garden path of temptation, allowing themselves to eat from Eve’s forbidden fruit, when they should have followed strictly their physicians’ advice to a tee.

“How many of you had cardiac bypass surgery?” the man asked.

Approximately, twenty hands shot up in the air.

“And, how many of you had a heart attack?” the man queried.

The remaining ten hands flew up.

“How many of you are married?” the man pressed.

Every hand was raised.

“Finally, how many of you have a little something on the side?” the man asked.

Knowing glances of shame bounced around the room, as the collective group of men’s eyes was lowered in false humility, providing the man at the lectern with the answer he already knew.

“So, this then begs the question as to why all of you married men, with life-threatening heart conditions, thought it wise to disregard the stern warnings you all got from your doctors, and went ahead and had sex with your mistresses before you had been given the green light to have sex with your wives?” the man asked.

“But, I was already able to climb two flights of stairs briskly and even waited eight weeks before I made love to my girlfriend. I even used the recommended reverse cowgirl position with pillows to make it less strenuous for me!” one man cried. “Why should it matter who the vagina belonged to?”

“While I didn’t wait the recommended eight weeks or climb any stairs, all I did was let a hooker give me a five minute blowjob,” another man added.

“The point is that sex with a woman other than your wife after a cardiac event, is more dangerous than sexual relations with your wife,” the man at the lectern stated. “You were warned that that if you engaged in illicit sex further cardiac occurrences would likely occur. And, now you’re all DEAD!”

“This isn’t fair,” another man shouted.

“This is Purgatory. I don’t deal with fair, I just deal with who is going to Heaven and who is going on down to Hell,” the man at the lectern stated.

The other men decided to invoke their right to remain silent so as to avoid a trip to Hades. Their collective failure to keep their respective peckers in their pants had cost them their lives. They knew that they were told to wait six to eight weeks after they had experienced their respective heart troubles before having sex with only their wives. They knew they had to be able to briskly climb two flights of stairs without breaking a sweat before even picturing their wives naked. They were even told that their first sexual encounters with their wives should only involve kissing and light petting. Yet, they had all dismissed these warnings as puritanical attempts to keep them on the straight and narrow, each having figured that since they were seasoned sexual game players, their hearts could handle some sex of the non-marital variety.

“I respect that my doctor advised me to stay away from my mistress, but we’ve been together for ten years, so she’s like a wife. And, my real wife was too scared to have sex with me for fear of breaking my heart,” a man offered. “What was I supposed to do?”

“So, instead you broke hers?” the man at the lectern asked rhetorically.

“My wife just inherited eight million large as a result of my untimely death. Her heart ain’t broken,” the same man advised.

“Nice attitude,” the man at the lectern replied. “But, then what of your mistress’ heart? You don’t think she feels horrible that her vagina is what caused you to kick the bucket?”

“Maybe, but what a way to go!” the man laughed high-fiving the man seated to his left. The other men all shouted out cheers of support.

“Well that delightful attitude just bought you a first-class one-way ticket to Hell,” the man at the lectern advised. Two flying monkeys with flaming wings plucked the man from his seat to transport him to Hell for an eternal visit with Satan. “Since you all find illicit sex to be so gratifying, let me tell you what Satan has in store for you. Your raunchy road to Hell under Satan’s watchful eye does not mean a hedonistic adventure with any young lady you want. No, instead you get to spend the first thousand years or so in your new residence as the sodomy bitches for some of the nastiest dictators of all time, including Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot and Idi Amin. The next thousand years will be celibate ones, and only if Satan takes a liking to you, will he then allow to you cavort in his version of the Garden of Eden, which is similar to the Hedonsim resort in Negril, Jamaica.”

The fraternity of remaining philanderers quickly fell to their knees in dynamic acts of prayer and contrition, begging to be forgiven for their transgressions.

“Pray hard!” the man at the lectern instructed. “At this point, vigorous exercise can only help you. Otherwise, when in Hell steer clear of Genghis Khan, as he likes to use swords during his sex play!”

© 2013 Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.