Monday, 12 August 2013

The Oligarchs Are Fleeing! The Oligarchs Are Fleeing! by Naomi Elana Zener

Standing stoically on the podium, with the White House’s crest resolutely present in the background, the President was ready to address the free world, flanked by other Western heads of state there in solidarity to support him.

“Good evening, my fellow Americans and citizens of the world. I am here tonight to announce to both this great nation and the world-at-large the immediate implementation of new bipartisan legislation, which was passed unanimously in both houses, called the ‘Law Banning the Propaganda and Fiduciary Deposit of Non-Traditional Accumulation of Ill-Gotten Russian Oligarchic Wealth.’ The United States of America is capitalist democracy that supports and encourages every citizen to build their own empire, but as Americans, we can no longer idly stand by turning a blind eye to the use of our banking system by Russian Oligarchs as personal repositories for their nefariously obtained financial wealth. I stand before you with my comrades-in-arms, my fellow Western democratic leaders, who support our domestic agenda internationally and will be implementing similar laws in their own countries. Under the new law, Russian Oligarchs’ assets in the United States, and in other affected countries, will be subject to a ninety-five percent tax on both income and capital gains derived there from, effectively making it illegal and impossible to be a wealthy Oligarch outside of Russia. We believe that Oligarchy is an economic enemy of the United States, as such wealth takes advantage of our western democratic economy, while the political beliefs and agendas that permitted such Oligarchy to develop and exist are intent on destroying our Western socially democratic principles and way of life.

No longer will the United States, along with my colleagues’ nations, be a collective of countries allowing such Oligarchs to benefit from our Western way of life, when they have obtained their wealth as a result of being partisan friends of the corrupt Kremlin, which unscrupulously privatized national assets on the cheap to the detriment of the rest of its citizenry.

The effectiveness of the new legislation is two-fold, in that it is comprised of both a taxing and a criminal element. First, the ninety-five percent tax essentially means that that all assets any Russian Oligarch owns within the perimeter of our great nation’s borders, including land, money on deposit in any bank or on any security exchange, will be taxed. To satisfy the payment of the tax, any Oligarch affected will have the choice of either paying the tax out-of-pocket with non-U.S. based assets, or have their U.S. based assets seized and sold. All proceeds of said tax will go to fund directly lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered initiatives with an emphasis on the global dissemination of public pro-gay rights awareness campaigns for the passage of laws giving lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered people equal rights as those afforded to heterosexuals residing in the same country.

The second part of the legislation contains punitive measures, criminalizing any attempt by an Oligarch to evade the force and effect of the law. Any Oligarch caught trying to contravene the provisions of this Act by trying to move, sell, lease, transfer, assign or otherwise dispose of U.S. based assets without first paying the ninety-five percent tax, will be found guilty of an indictable criminal offense. An Oligarch found guilty of violating the law will have all of their assets immediately seized and liquidated. Furthermore, the Oligarch will be forced to live in a designated “Pride House” in the closest gay community to the Oligarch’s former primary residence, in the United States or other participating country, for a period of up to a maximum of two years, as we do not want to impose on the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered community’s hospitality. During their tenure as a guest of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered community, the Oligarch will have to wear an ankle bracelet monitoring and restricting their movements to the confines of the gay community.  During their stay, the Oligarch will have to complete one thousand hours of community service, which can be satisfied in a variety of ways, including but not limited to: hosting Pride Week parties and dancing on a float, becoming a big brother or sister to a disenfranchised gay youth, or going to schools to educate our children on the importance of publicly supporting gay rights. An additional non-exhaustive list of acceptable community service initiatives will be set out in the regulations appended to the law. Last, all Oligarchs will be identified by the U.S. government and will be forced to wear a “Friend of the LGBT Community” rainbow flag pin.

We believe that the underlying policy objectives behind the legislation, namely to encourage equal rights for all regardless of sexual orientation, and combating intolerance of gays and supporting the freedoms of speech and association, including the right to publicly display and promote one’s sexual orientation, will be achieved through the enactment of ‘Law Banning the Propaganda and Fiduciary Deposit of Non-Traditional Accumulation of Ill-Gotten Russian Oligarchic Wealth.

On a final note, I would like to add that this legislation is retroactive in its application to every Oligarch with assets on U.S. soil and in every country with similar legislation. So any Oligarch who thinks that their current assets will be free from the grasp of this new law will be sorely mistaken if they try to defy it.  Now, my fellow heads of state and I will take any of the Press Corps’ questions.”

© 2013 Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.

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