Standing
stoically on the podium, with the White House’s crest resolutely present in the
background, the President was ready to address the free world, flanked by other
Western heads of state there in solidarity to support him.
“Good
evening, my fellow Americans and citizens of the world. I am here tonight to
announce to both this great nation and the world-at-large the immediate
implementation of new bipartisan legislation, which was passed unanimously in
both houses, called the ‘Law Banning the Propaganda and Fiduciary Deposit of
Non-Traditional Accumulation of Ill-Gotten Russian Oligarchic Wealth.’ The
United States of America is capitalist democracy that supports and encourages
every citizen to build their own empire, but as Americans, we can no longer
idly stand by turning a blind eye to the use of our banking system by Russian
Oligarchs as personal repositories for their nefariously obtained financial
wealth. I stand before you with my comrades-in-arms, my fellow Western
democratic leaders, who support our domestic agenda internationally and will be
implementing similar laws in their own countries. Under the new law, Russian
Oligarchs’ assets in the United States, and in other affected countries, will
be subject to a ninety-five percent tax on both income and capital gains
derived there from, effectively making it illegal and impossible to be a
wealthy Oligarch outside of Russia. We believe that Oligarchy is an economic
enemy of the United States, as such wealth takes advantage of our western
democratic economy, while the political beliefs and agendas that permitted such
Oligarchy to develop and exist are intent on destroying our Western socially
democratic principles and way of life.
No longer
will the United States, along with my colleagues’ nations, be a collective of
countries allowing such Oligarchs to benefit from our Western way of life, when
they have obtained their wealth as a result of being partisan friends of the
corrupt Kremlin, which unscrupulously privatized national assets on the cheap
to the detriment of the rest of its citizenry.
The effectiveness
of the new legislation is two-fold, in that it is comprised of both a taxing
and a criminal element. First, the ninety-five percent tax essentially means
that that all assets any Russian Oligarch owns within the perimeter of our
great nation’s borders, including land, money on deposit in any bank or on any
security exchange, will be taxed. To satisfy the payment of the tax, any
Oligarch affected will have the choice of either paying the tax out-of-pocket
with non-U.S. based assets, or have their U.S. based assets seized and sold.
All proceeds of said tax will go to fund directly lesbian, gay, bisexual and
transgendered initiatives with an emphasis on the global dissemination of
public pro-gay rights awareness campaigns for the passage of laws giving lesbian,
gay, bisexual and transgendered people equal rights as those afforded to
heterosexuals residing in the same country.
The second
part of the legislation contains punitive measures, criminalizing any attempt
by an Oligarch to evade the force and effect of the law. Any Oligarch caught
trying to contravene the provisions of this Act by trying to move, sell, lease,
transfer, assign or otherwise dispose of U.S. based assets without first paying
the ninety-five percent tax, will be found guilty of an indictable criminal
offense. An Oligarch found guilty of violating the law will have all of their
assets immediately seized and liquidated. Furthermore, the Oligarch will be
forced to live in a designated “Pride House” in the closest gay community to
the Oligarch’s former primary residence, in the United States or other
participating country, for a period of up to a maximum of two years, as we do
not want to impose on the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered community’s
hospitality. During their tenure as a guest of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and
transgendered community, the Oligarch will have to wear an ankle bracelet
monitoring and restricting their movements to the confines of the gay
community. During their stay, the
Oligarch will have to complete one thousand hours of community service, which
can be satisfied in a variety of ways, including but not limited to: hosting
Pride Week parties and dancing on a float, becoming a big brother or sister to
a disenfranchised gay youth, or going to schools to educate our children on the
importance of publicly supporting gay rights. An additional non-exhaustive list
of acceptable community service initiatives will be set out in the regulations
appended to the law. Last, all Oligarchs will be identified by the U.S. government
and will be forced to wear a “Friend of the LGBT Community” rainbow flag pin.
We believe
that the underlying policy objectives behind the legislation, namely to
encourage equal rights for all regardless of sexual orientation, and combating
intolerance of gays and supporting the freedoms of speech and association,
including the right to publicly display and promote one’s sexual orientation,
will be achieved through the enactment of ‘Law Banning the Propaganda and
Fiduciary Deposit of Non-Traditional Accumulation of Ill-Gotten Russian
Oligarchic Wealth.
On a final
note, I would like to add that this legislation is retroactive in its
application to every Oligarch with assets on U.S. soil and in every country
with similar legislation. So any Oligarch who thinks that their current assets
will be free from the grasp of this new law will be sorely mistaken if they try
to defy it. Now, my fellow heads
of state and I will take any of the Press Corps’ questions.”
© 2013
Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.
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