“Thank you
all for attending today’s off-site mock session of the House of Commons’
question and answer period. As you can see, assembled before you on the stage
are my twenty-six grade two pupils who have been assigned the high profile
roles of some of our esteemed national politicians seated before me in the
audience, as part of their annual civics project. We have our very own
stand-ins for the real Speaker of the House, Prime Minister, Leader of the
Official Opposition, the Leader of the Liberal Party and select members of
Parliament. The topics to be discussed today were selected by the students
themselves to be reinterpreted by them to reflect concerns of seven year olds,”
Mrs. Smith explained. “Without further ado, I give you our 2013 Canadian House
of Commons.”
The Speaker
of the House rose signaling the House to rise to sing the national anthem. No
sooner than the final note had reverberated throughout the large hall, the
Leader of the Opposition stood up on stage to ask the first question.
“Thank you
Mr. Speaker. I’d like to start by asking our Prime Minister how he can say that
his government supports fiscal restraint when his Senators’ expense reports
show that they are spending their budgets on McDonalds’ Happy Meals and Leap
Frog games at Toys R Us?” the Leader of the Opposition asked. “I don’t think
that the Senators can say that Dora the Explorer figurines and Leap Frog
programs are necessary office tools to help them run the country.”
The
Conservative senators in the audience shifted uncomfortably in their seats, as
chuckles were heard coming from the parents and other Liberal and NDP
politicians in the crowd.
“Mr.
Speaker, I’m sure that the NDP Members of Parliament and Senate appointees take
work breaks and they play with all sorts of toys that help them do their jobs
better,” the Prime Minister’s secretary retorted on the Prime Minister’s
behalf. “As long as the Senators are getting their jobs done and they don’t
spend more than the allowances given to them, then there is no problem.”
“As a
follow up, Mr. Speaker, if spending only their allowances makes it ok to buy
toys, then how come the Prime Minister’s Chief of Staff had to give a
Conservative senator a personal loan out of his own allowance so that the
senator could pay back what he overspent at Toys R US?” the Leader of the
Opposition queried.
“Mr.
Speaker, I must advise that what the Chief of Staff chose to do on his own with
his own personal allowance from his mommy and daddy, without the Prime
Minister’s knowledge, is not something that the Prime Minister is responsible
for,” the Prime Minister’s Secretary replied.
The NDP and
Liberal members of the House jeered and heckled the Prime Minister’s
Secretary’s answer.
“Perhaps
the Senators should have bought toys at the Dollar Store instead of an
expensive large toy store,” an NDP Member of Parliament shouted out.
“My mommy
says that McDonalds is bad for you and has caused the obesity problem in
children, so the Senators should be setting a better example and not eating
there,” a Liberal backbencher cried out.
“Mr.
Speaker, our Prime Minister would have the Canadian taxpayers believe that he
did not know what his senators and staffers were doing with their taxpayer
allowances, but that is a big fat fib. These senators were seen eating at Ottawa-area
McDonalds with their Conservative friends and Members of Parliament where they
played with their Happy Meal Smurfs instead of eating wholesome lunches they
brought to the Senate from home,” the Leader of the Opposition called out.
“Mr.
Speaker,” the Prime Minister said, “I’d like to yield my time to the Finance
Minister to reply on my behalf.”
“Thank you
Mr. Prime Minister,” the Finance Minister said. “Every Senator is allowed to
spend a certain amount of their allowance every day on food, it’s called a per
diem. So if they choose to use it to eat McNuggets instead of their peanut
butter sandwich, even if they only bought their Happy Meal for the toy in the
first place, that is their choice.”
The
Conservative Members of Parliament clapped their hands on their desks cheering
on the Finance Minister.
“Order in
the House,” the Speaker demanded striking his gavel. “Now, I invite the Leader
of the Liberal Party to ask his question, if he has one.”
“Thank you
Mr. Speaker,” the Liberal Leader stated with an affected lisp. “I’d like to
shift the Prime Minister’s focus to the recent Federal Court decision that said
that the Conservatives did a very bad thing when they made prank calls to
Canadians during the last election. Canadians do not like getting robo-prank
calls made to their homes asking them if their refrigerators are running, only
to be told to run after them.”
The real
Prime Minister nervously tugged at his shirt collar. He noted that all of the
parents were scowling at him, and both Mr. Muclair and Mr. Trudeau were
smirking in his direction, realizing that the robocalls had not gone unnoticed
by either the children or their parents.
“Mr.
Speaker, on behalf of the Prime Minister, I will answer the question,” the
Defense Minister advised. “Although the Federal Court did say that the calls
were wrong, no one would have changed their vote whether the calls were made or
not. I think that the Liberal Leader is blowing this issue out of proportion
because his head is in a Goldfish cloud.”
“Excuse me,
Mr. Speaker, but if the Defense Minister could please explain what he is
talking about, I would appreciate it,” the Liberal Leader asked.
“Well, the
Liberal Leader recently admitted to the press and Canadians that he is a
Goldfish user and we all know that they are full of preservatives and don’t let
you think straight. Maybe he should put down the bag of Goldfish and eat an
apple,” the Defense Minister advised.
“Boo! Boo!”
jeered the NDP and Liberal Members of Parliament.
“Order!”
the Speaker demanded. “Question and Answer period is drawing to a close. Does
the Leader of the Opposition have any further questions for the government?”
“Yes, Mr.
Speaker. The government has kept interest rates really low making it easy to
buy our favourite toys, but it has caused the price of those toys to go through
the roof, especially in the Thomas the Train and Barbie markets. Already very
expensive, cost of Thomas the Train sets, Tidmouth Sheds replicas and Barbie’s
Dream House have made it impossible for average allowances to keep up since
they don’t gain any interest in our piggy banks,” the Leader of the Opposition
stated.
“Here!
Here!” shouted the Liberal and NDP Members of Parliament and parents in the
audience, supporting the action of their counterparts on stage.
“The
government’s low interest rate policy has allowed Canadian children to dig
their way out of candy, video game and other toy debt, now forcing them to save
up their pennies for things they really want. Every child should ask if they
really need another Thomas steam engine or if Barbie needs another outfit for
her next date with Ken,” the Finance Minister explained.
“Thank you,”
the Speaker advised. “We have run out of time for today. I’d like to thank all
of the Members of Parliament for their important questions and helpful answers.
I officially declare that this Question and Answer session is closed.”
The
students gathered at the front of the stage to take their bows. A sigh of
relief from the politicians rose above the thunderous parental applause.
“Thank you
so much for coming to help support and encourage our students in their civics
studies,” Mrs. Smith stated. “I hope that every parent, politician and
journalist here today will walk away from today recognizing that even our
country’s youngest citizens have a solid grasp on what goes on politically and
that they will keep you honest even when you think you’ve got them fooled.”
© 2013
Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.
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