Twas the Night Before Christmas Reboot by Naomi Elana Zener

Twas four nights before Christmas, and all through my house,

Not a baby was stirring, not even my spouse.

The wine was poured in my glass with care,

In hope eyes would glaze over with drunken stare.

I was nestled in my pjs, lounging lazily on the couch,

Husband doing all chores, fearing angering this grouch.

And mama with remote in hand, DVR full of taped shows,

Settled in for undisturbed TV watching family knows.

When in the kitchen there arose such an awful clatter,

I sprang from the family room to investigate the matter.

There were my dishes, smashed to the floor,

A pattern discontinued, “oh shit” hubby swore.

The light up above beamed on the shards of my favourite plates,

Gave way to baby screaming, sounds every drunk mom hates.

Followed by the appearance to my eyes seemed a ghost,

No wait, twas my toddler sleepwalking, disturbing me most.

All I wanted was one night to myself to watch a chick flick,

That Elf must have reported I was naughty to St Nick.

My hopes for some peace and quiet dashed, such a shame,

On husband’s clumsy shoulders rests all the blame.

Now baby! Now toddler! Get back to bed, go to sleep!

Out of your mouths mama doesn’t want to hear a peep.

To your bed, to your crib, crawl, walk, run, don’t fall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!

As my glass was now dry before that tsunami flew in,

Back to the fridge I returned for some Chardonnay chillin’.

Babes tucked back in bed, hubby in basement hiding away,

I decided to online shop for gifts, time for mama to play.

Target, Shopbop, Gilt, racking up charges on my Amex,

Time better spent than engaging in weekly marital sex.

And then, if like magic, noises came from upon my roof,

Twas Amazon drones delivering gifts, tapping each hoof.

At my doorstep neatly piled the bounty of my spending spree,

With such great discounts on all items, they were almost free.

Then arrived a portly FedEx deliveryman carrying a festive sack,

“Sorry ma’am, wrong house, got to deliver Mayor Rob Ford his crack.”

My eyes, how they sparkled, so many gifts I had to carry.

Each box seasonally wrapped with bows in red cherry.

The contents of which gave me a warm glow,

I celebrated my good deed with a glass of Merlot.

How hubby would delight seeing me in the negligee sheath,

A gift for him really, into which he could sink his teeth.

Perfume aromatic, fragrant to get rid of odours so smelly,

Due to baby’s vomit when feeling unwell in her belly.

Fuchsia croc stilettos from Prada, a box I will hide on my shelf,

To hide from the prying eyes of that nefarious Elf.

A twinkle in my eye at the pile of best-selling novels to read,

To get through all, more of nights from my kids need to be freed.

Of spending spree, no word spoken, Amex my kemo sabe,

Angry family if they discover all of the gifts are only for me.

Emerging from man cave, sniffing out shopping with his nose,

Hubby spoke not a word, no point in coming to blows.

For he knows how hard I work as mom, wife, attorney and writer,

Deserving a night off to shop, watch TV, will make my day brighter.

As for denying family Christmas presents, no hopes did I deflate,

We’re Jewish, these are my Chanukah gifts, albeit one month late.

But, like a good mom, my children and family I would never deny,

For them DVDs, toys and an iPad were ordered in good supply.

Happy Belated Chanukah to my family, gifts for each crazy night,

Merry Christmas, happy holidays to all, may your new year excite!

© 2013. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.