A, is for apple. B, is for book. Boring. For all moms and dads out
there, here’s a fun alternative to teaching kids the alphabet by way of an
alphabet abacus, song, blocks, or book options that re-edifies you on the
realities of parenthood and beefs up your child’s lexicon at the same time.
A, is for Asshole, not only because
everyone has one, but because upon becoming a parent, so many people turn into
one. They become judgmental, know-it-all freaks whose opinions are the only
ones that matter, expecting their voice to be the only voice to which you
listen. A is also for Alcohol because you can’t spell ‘parenthood’ without it.
And, it helps to unwind after a run-in with an asshole parent. See the letter
“E” below.
B, is for Baby. That’s what you
make when you have unprotected sex, be it in either the biblical, possibly
Clintonian, or test tube sense. If you don’t want one, keep your legs shut and
pants on. If you engage in intercourse, I have another two-word combo that
starts with B: BIRTH CONTROL. Otherwise, you’re on the hook for life for the
fruit of your loins. Not just until your babes-in-arms reach the age of
majority.
C, unlike what Toronto’s Mayor Rob
Ford would have you think, is NOT for Crack. But, in his case, the world
learned that it is. It is for Cat, but not the derogatory alternative version
of the word that said mayor used to describe the all-he-can-eat buffet he has
at home between his wife’s thighs. Sesame
Street got it right telling the kids that C is for Cookie.
D, is for Dollars, as in the many
leaving your bank account to buy toys you’ll try to sell on Kijiji once they’re
abandoned, clothes that get destroyed (another D-word), programs and childcare.
Daycare–that’s another D-word. One that will give you ulcers and anxiety with
each passing day of your maternity leave, for you’ll think up ways to eliminate
the kids ahead of yours on the daycare’s wait list because you failed to put
your child’s name down for a spot when the pregnancy test stick turned blue.
E, is for Elixir, always one with
alcohol to numb the pain that comes with the joys of parenthood and dealing
with other parents. Say it with me loud and proud: BARKEEP, I NEED A DRINK
AND KEEP THEM COMING!
F, is for Forebearance, for as a
parent you will need to develop the superpower of being able to withhold a
response to the unending provocation of pesky partners and progeny. Take up
meditation, yoga, deep breathing, or any other method that will help prevent
you from blowing a gasket.
G, is for Gag, which you’ll do
every time another parent brags about their kid.
H, is for Haggler. You will need to
become one. Kids are experts at haggling. They will negotiate with you to no
end. Sometimes it will feel as though you can’t negotiate with their terrorist
demands, at which point you must remember that one day, when your child is an
adolescent you will wax nostalgic for the halcyon days when said child was
begging only for a cupcake, and not a car, rather than pleading for immunity
from punishment for having destroyed the car.
I, is for Idol as in you will be that
for your kids. They will look up to you as their hero, leading you to believe
that parenting is an easy gig, but don’t be fooled. Parenting is the toughest
job on the planet and the most rewarding. Unless, of course you manage to cure
cancer or AIDS. Even then, if the scientists who make those discoveries have
kids, they will probably attest to their children being their greatest
achievement. That’s what becoming a parent is all about, right? That, and the
tax breaks.
J, is for Judicious. As the French
say, tourner sept fois sa
langue dans sa bouche. In English that means you should turn your tongue
seven times before speaking. In application of said rule, it means don’t dole
out judgmental parenting advice unless you’re ready to join the asshole
parenting society. See the letter “A” above.
K, is for Kegels. Enough said.
L, is for Love of Life, the joie de
vivre you had in the B.C. (before child) era when you were lithe and lazed
about languorously.
M, is for Medical Insurance, but
only if you live in the U.S. We may have wait times, but no one dies in Canada
because they couldn’t afford medical insurance. Only if the wait time is too
long, but that rarely happens.
N, is for Nemesis. This
unconquerable archenemy will come in many forms, for it is a shape shifter. On
any given day it could be: your spouse, your child, your boss, your nanny, your
daycare, your friend, a sanctimommy, your kid’s unending string of bacterial
and viral infections forcing you to stay home unpaid, or your boss.
O, is for Obdurate and Obedient,
marking the two ends of your child’s behaviour spectrum between which the
pendulum will swing back and forth like a rabid dog chasing its tail.
P, is for Penumbra, the little half
shadow, also known as your child, who will follow you and cling to your leg
where ever you go. It is also for Pulchritudinous. Not every child will be
described as such—see the letter “U” below for further explanation.
Q, is for Quintessential, as in
“mommy/daddy needs some quintessential me time.”
R, is for a Redolent Ratatouille
you make for dinner only to have your child refuse to eat it, instead demanding
pizza and to watch some Disney movie at the same name.
S, is for the Susurrous sounds of children buzzing in your ear
surreptitiously making their case as to why they need a Rainbow Loom, should be
allowed to stay up past their bedtime, get dessert even though they didn’t eat
dinner, watch Gangnam Style on repeat, get a new Barbie, go to the splash pad,
sleep with mommy and daddy, and the list goes on forever.
T, is for Tantric, as in sex, which you should try to have BEFORE
you become parents since it becomes harder and harder (no pun intended) to have
sexy time with your spouse when the ankle biters are running around zapping
your energy. Tantric sex will channel all that energy normally dissipated via
orgasm back into your body reenergizing you to take care of your kids. Or, just
have a glass of wine and go to sleep and forget sex unless you want to revisit
the letter “B” above.
U, is for ugly, because let’s face
it, some kids just are.
V, is for vasectomy, as in your
daddy is getting one because mama don't want to get knocked up again, or mama’s
gonna knock daddy out.
X, is for X-ray, as in the many
your kids will likely get to make sure they don't have any broken bones from
running and falling like a Tasmanian devil every single day.
Y, is for YOU (as in my kid) asking
me "why" all of the time. Why is the sky blue? Why is daddy on top of
you? Why do I have to stay in my bed at night?
W, is for Wine. Parents need it at
the end of a long day. It is also the first letter in your child’s favourite
question. See letters "A," "E," and "Y" above.
Z, is for Zircon because once you
have kids, unless you’re wealthy, win the lottery, or someone dies leaving you
a tidy sum, your spouse will never buy you a real diamond again.
© 2014. Naomi Elana Zener. All
Rights Reserved.
This. Is. Awesome.
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