Tuesday, 26 August 2014

One Less Survivor by Naomi Elana Zener

One less survivor walks amongst us now.
Beyond the pale you triumphed somehow.
Imbued with courage from seraphs ethereal,
Prolonging paternal life against the imperial.
Kith wrested from the Earth, an orphan anew.
Trapped like vermin for being marked a ‘Jew.’
Steadfast endurance, Reaper’s chime kept at bay,
An hour, a lifetime. The will to survive another day.
Release, freedom granted, skeletal ghost emerged,
Haunted by horrors, memories never to be purged.
To no more than a child, a new life was born,
Replacing all that was lost and from arms torn.
Marriage, cherubs of hope, renaissance offered,
Distant shores granted not all that was proffered.
Many blessings bestowed, but life’s struggles ensued,
Tears rolled, laughter came, mind remained shrewd.
Generations sprung forth to transcend family perished,
Matriarch to the future, a role clung to and cherished.
Filling the void, the operatic voice lyrically chanted,
Self-proclaimed angel, to all your protection granted.
The seventh age held at bay for nearly nine decades,
Thrust upon you infirmity with its tsunami cascades.
The water finally calmed, up the Styx your soul ferried,
Liberated from torment, corporal remains to be buried.
Left behind, love’s legacy indelibly marked in us all.
Guiding lessons proclaiming to forever walk tall.
Powering sun, moon, and stars to continue to shine,
Forever tethered, inhabiting my soul, your esprit divine.


Author note: This is not satire. I wrote this in honour of my Holocaust-surviving Bubbie, who passed away on Sunday August 24, 2014, who helped raise me. This is a tribute to her.

© 2014. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.


Saturday, 23 August 2014

Breaking Wind is Breaking News by Naomi Elana Zener

For the paper’s good news column of the week, ever since the University of Exeter announced that breathing in smelly farts from time-to-time may prevent cancer, strokes, heart attacks, arthritis, and dementia, the additional unexpected benefits of our flatulence friend has included a drop in the national divorce rate, a rise in women’s self-esteem, an increase in vegetarianism, and an upsurge in book sales.

Strangers have begun to treat each other with greater kindness. People are now viewing the person sitting next to them on the bus, standing in front of them in line at Taco Bell, or shopping for groceries as someone who may save their life. People’s scowls have been replaced with smiles every time one of these strangers loosens their anal grip allowing their colon’s sweet nectar to emerge. Body odor may still be considered a killer, but a fart can be anyone’s best friend. Instead of issuing the traditionally expected “excuse me” when buttocks eak out a fart of any of the squeaking, big bang, odorless, or silent-but-deadly variety, the hot air blowing culprits are thanked instead of being vilified by the innocent bystanders around them breathing in the smell. Some people have even gone so far as to inviting relatives to move in with them knowing that their relatives don’t experience enough flatulence exposure on a daily basis. People are now grateful to their loved ones, friends, and even strangers, finding themselves saying ‘your welcome’ each time the invaluable gift is bestowed upon them.

Men and women everywhere have stopped holding their breath, pinching or otherwise plugging their noses when in the presence of human hot vapors. Instead, they are taking in deep, meditative breaths full of the sweet cancer preventing smell of flatulence, holding them for as long as they can. Farts now filling the space rather than coming in between them, couples are finding themselves embracing the scent as helping to set the mood for intimacy.

Husbands and wives are no longer holding their breaths when wind is broken between the sheets. In fact, wives have begun to welcome the sophomoric “Dutch Oven” prank pulled by husbands the world over, which involves tenting their wives under the sheets, filling the space with a giant gusts of broken wind. Women have begun embracing not only farting in front of their significant other, but have gone so far as making a number two in the presence of their loved one. In some cases, women have even reported having left the door to the bathroom open just to give their beloveds a dose of cancer prevention when dropping the “kids” off at the pool.

Advertisers and PETA have seen an upsurge in veganism. Grocery stores have experienced a run on beans, humus, and other gaseous producing non-animal byproduct foods and beverages, including microbrewed beers, leading to farmers and manufacturers to having a difficult time keeping up with the demand. Flying high on fumes and taking advantage of the momentum, advertisers have rewritten jingles to make mainstream the gas whose name should never be spoken of in mixed company. In fact, this year’s big CLIO winner, the advertising industry’s equivalent of the Oscars®, was the ever popular:

 Beans, beans aren’t just  good for your heart.
To keep cancer away eat lots and fart, fart, fart.

Even the publishing industry has enjoyed a boom in book sales. Each retailer from the books and mortar stores, to the online book selling oligopolies, none can keep the Walter the Farting Dog book series and Everyone Poops in stock.

All in all, farting is a booming business. Even seagulls, who have no need to fart because their diet leaves them without enough fermentable material in their short guts to produce flatulence, are jealous of the humans on whom they poop for good luck.

Farting is our friend and is here to stay. Not that it was ever really going anywhere except for into the atmosphere.



© 2014. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, 7 August 2014

Peace on Earth! by Naomi Elana Zener


BREAKING NEWS: NEW YORK CITY, NY. 

On August 1, 2014, news broke that the U.N. High Commissioner on Human Rights believes that Israel has committed war crimes, in part, by failing to provide its Iron Dome technology to Hamas. By way of reminder, the Israeli Rafael Advanced Defense Systems Ltd. (RADS)-invented and owned Iron Dome system was designed to intercept and destroy short-range missiles and artillery shells launched into Israel by its enemies, including Hamas, to ensure that such rockets and shells don’t reach Israeli-targeted populated areas.  This technology was built by RADS and financed in part with U.S. aid.

In a stunning break with normative and expected wartime military maneuvers, Israel has issued a mea culpa in response to the U.N. High Commissioner’s accusation. In a precedent-setting move, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu personally drove an Israeli tank, under U.N.-armed guard while waiving a white-flag, to which a duplicate Iron Dome system was hitched on a flatbed truck, to the Israeli-Gaza border to deliver said system to Hamas’ leadership. Now, when Hamas launches rockets into Israel, and Israel deploys the Iron Dome to destroy the Hamas rockets, Hamas in turn can deploy its copy of the Iron Dome system to destroy the non-existent Israeli rockets and artillery shells that are still not being launched into Gaza. At press time, Hamas indicated that with Israeli help and funding, they are reverse-engineering the Iron Dome system so that it can use it to further shield its launched rockets. By doing this, Hamas’ Iron Dome system will be able to subvert the Israeli-used one to ensure that the Hamas rockets reach their Israeli-targets without interception. Israel hopes that all of their cooperative efforts to help Hamas will put them in the good graces of the United Nations, which it so desperately wants.

Upon witnessing this heartfelt, humanitarian, and compassionate move by Israel, Russian President, Vladimir Putin, drove to the Ukrainian-Russian border, bare-chested with a message of peace tattooed across his chest and stomach, which read: “RUSSIA SURRENDERS & IS READY TO BE ANNEXED TO UKRAINE.” This bold move, first thought to be an act of parody or satire on the Russian President’s behalf somehow mocking Ukrainian leadership, was embraced by Ukraine’s President, Petro Poroshenko, who, upon seeing Putin running through the Ukrainian pro-Russian-rebel controlled fields on Ukrainian-controlled state TV, was driven to the pro-Russian rebel-controlled area to meet Putin in person. Television cameras captured Poroshenko’s arrival, which was marked by Poroshenko’s removal of the Hugo Boss blazer, shirt, and silk tie he’d been sporting, to join his comrade-in-bare-chested-arms in a loving embrace. The two were then seen riding off on horseback, hand-in-hand, leading international investigators to the Malaysian Airlines MH-17 crash site under the banner of a truce, so that the investigators can complete their inspection and analysis of the crime scene without fear of being bombed themselves.

After watching the Putin-Poroshenko peace party evolve on TV, unsubstantiated reports came in over the wire that Hamas’ Khaled Mashaal purportedly called Benjamin Netanyahu and invited him over to watch Game of Thrones, hoping to resolve their differences by way of their mutual love for the very bloody and highly acclaimed TV series.

The world is watching by way of CNN with bated breath, hopeful that the UN High Commissioner’s admonishment of Israel, will ultimately end in peace between Israel and Gaza, as well as the Ukraine and Russia, averting any outbreak of World War III.


© 2014. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.