Breaking Wind is Breaking News by Naomi Elana Zener

For the paper’s good news column of the week, ever since the University of Exeter announced that breathing in smelly farts from time-to-time may prevent cancer, strokes, heart attacks, arthritis, and dementia, the additional unexpected benefits of our flatulence friend has included a drop in the national divorce rate, a rise in women’s self-esteem, an increase in vegetarianism, and an upsurge in book sales.

Strangers have begun to treat each other with greater kindness. People are now viewing the person sitting next to them on the bus, standing in front of them in line at Taco Bell, or shopping for groceries as someone who may save their life. People’s scowls have been replaced with smiles every time one of these strangers loosens their anal grip allowing their colon’s sweet nectar to emerge. Body odor may still be considered a killer, but a fart can be anyone’s best friend. Instead of issuing the traditionally expected “excuse me” when buttocks eak out a fart of any of the squeaking, big bang, odorless, or silent-but-deadly variety, the hot air blowing culprits are thanked instead of being vilified by the innocent bystanders around them breathing in the smell. Some people have even gone so far as to inviting relatives to move in with them knowing that their relatives don’t experience enough flatulence exposure on a daily basis. People are now grateful to their loved ones, friends, and even strangers, finding themselves saying ‘your welcome’ each time the invaluable gift is bestowed upon them.

Men and women everywhere have stopped holding their breath, pinching or otherwise plugging their noses when in the presence of human hot vapors. Instead, they are taking in deep, meditative breaths full of the sweet cancer preventing smell of flatulence, holding them for as long as they can. Farts now filling the space rather than coming in between them, couples are finding themselves embracing the scent as helping to set the mood for intimacy.

Husbands and wives are no longer holding their breaths when wind is broken between the sheets. In fact, wives have begun to welcome the sophomoric “Dutch Oven” prank pulled by husbands the world over, which involves tenting their wives under the sheets, filling the space with a giant gusts of broken wind. Women have begun embracing not only farting in front of their significant other, but have gone so far as making a number two in the presence of their loved one. In some cases, women have even reported having left the door to the bathroom open just to give their beloveds a dose of cancer prevention when dropping the “kids” off at the pool.

Advertisers and PETA have seen an upsurge in veganism. Grocery stores have experienced a run on beans, humus, and other gaseous producing non-animal byproduct foods and beverages, including microbrewed beers, leading to farmers and manufacturers to having a difficult time keeping up with the demand. Flying high on fumes and taking advantage of the momentum, advertisers have rewritten jingles to make mainstream the gas whose name should never be spoken of in mixed company. In fact, this year’s big CLIO winner, the advertising industry’s equivalent of the Oscars®, was the ever popular:

 Beans, beans aren’t just  good for your heart.

To keep cancer away eat lots and fart, fart, fart.

Even the publishing industry has enjoyed a boom in book sales. Each retailer from the books and mortar stores, to the online book selling oligopolies, none can keep the Walter the Farting Dog book series and Everyone Poops in stock.

All in all, farting is a booming business. Even seagulls, who have no need to fart because their diet leaves them without enough fermentable material in their short guts to produce flatulence, are jealous of the humans on whom they poop for good luck.

Farting is our friend and is here to stay. Not that it was ever really going anywhere except for into the atmosphere.

© 2014. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.