Thursday, 7 August 2014

Peace on Earth! by Naomi Elana Zener


BREAKING NEWS: NEW YORK CITY, NY. 

On August 1, 2014, news broke that the U.N. High Commissioner on Human Rights believes that Israel has committed war crimes, in part, by failing to provide its Iron Dome technology to Hamas. By way of reminder, the Israeli Rafael Advanced Defense Systems Ltd. (RADS)-invented and owned Iron Dome system was designed to intercept and destroy short-range missiles and artillery shells launched into Israel by its enemies, including Hamas, to ensure that such rockets and shells don’t reach Israeli-targeted populated areas.  This technology was built by RADS and financed in part with U.S. aid.

In a stunning break with normative and expected wartime military maneuvers, Israel has issued a mea culpa in response to the U.N. High Commissioner’s accusation. In a precedent-setting move, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu personally drove an Israeli tank, under U.N.-armed guard while waiving a white-flag, to which a duplicate Iron Dome system was hitched on a flatbed truck, to the Israeli-Gaza border to deliver said system to Hamas’ leadership. Now, when Hamas launches rockets into Israel, and Israel deploys the Iron Dome to destroy the Hamas rockets, Hamas in turn can deploy its copy of the Iron Dome system to destroy the non-existent Israeli rockets and artillery shells that are still not being launched into Gaza. At press time, Hamas indicated that with Israeli help and funding, they are reverse-engineering the Iron Dome system so that it can use it to further shield its launched rockets. By doing this, Hamas’ Iron Dome system will be able to subvert the Israeli-used one to ensure that the Hamas rockets reach their Israeli-targets without interception. Israel hopes that all of their cooperative efforts to help Hamas will put them in the good graces of the United Nations, which it so desperately wants.

Upon witnessing this heartfelt, humanitarian, and compassionate move by Israel, Russian President, Vladimir Putin, drove to the Ukrainian-Russian border, bare-chested with a message of peace tattooed across his chest and stomach, which read: “RUSSIA SURRENDERS & IS READY TO BE ANNEXED TO UKRAINE.” This bold move, first thought to be an act of parody or satire on the Russian President’s behalf somehow mocking Ukrainian leadership, was embraced by Ukraine’s President, Petro Poroshenko, who, upon seeing Putin running through the Ukrainian pro-Russian-rebel controlled fields on Ukrainian-controlled state TV, was driven to the pro-Russian rebel-controlled area to meet Putin in person. Television cameras captured Poroshenko’s arrival, which was marked by Poroshenko’s removal of the Hugo Boss blazer, shirt, and silk tie he’d been sporting, to join his comrade-in-bare-chested-arms in a loving embrace. The two were then seen riding off on horseback, hand-in-hand, leading international investigators to the Malaysian Airlines MH-17 crash site under the banner of a truce, so that the investigators can complete their inspection and analysis of the crime scene without fear of being bombed themselves.

After watching the Putin-Poroshenko peace party evolve on TV, unsubstantiated reports came in over the wire that Hamas’ Khaled Mashaal purportedly called Benjamin Netanyahu and invited him over to watch Game of Thrones, hoping to resolve their differences by way of their mutual love for the very bloody and highly acclaimed TV series.

The world is watching by way of CNN with bated breath, hopeful that the UN High Commissioner’s admonishment of Israel, will ultimately end in peace between Israel and Gaza, as well as the Ukraine and Russia, averting any outbreak of World War III.


© 2014. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.

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