Thursday, 4 September 2014

Hello…Girl? By Naomi Elana Zener

Dearest Kitty,

As the news broke that your species is in fact that of a human, mewling cries were heard around the globe, for no more could we launch cat calls your way, since society frowns upon bestiality.  Each of us had hoped and prayed that one day you’d finally accept one of our marriage proposals, succumbing to one of any of our overtures of love we’d respectively sent your way: the bouquets of catnip, lifetime supplies of tins of white albacore tuna in water (since we know how you like to keep a trim figure), scratching posts, balls of yarn, and gift cards for grooming at Pet Smart. But now, all dreams of becoming Mr. Hello Kitty have been dashed.

Why did Sanrio have to do this to us? Did your master not approve of any of us as suitable suitors worthy of your love? Did not a single one of us earn a decent enough of a wage to keep you in the lap of luxury to which you’d become accustomed?  None of us outshone your celebrity. Any one of us would have been thrilled to become Mr. Hello Kitty, basking in the shadow of your bigger-than-Godzilla glory.

All we have now are our memories to keep us warm at night, as we curl up for our nightly slumber. Each of us will dream of what could have been, knowing that no other kitty will ever hold a candle to or be a star that will burn as brightly as you. We’ve written this poem to express each of our eternal devotion to you, hopeful that when you gaze upon it with your Homo Sapien eyes, you will remember each one of us fondly.

Oh Kitty, my kitty, a sweet little pussy no more.
The foxy feline whom I’ll always love and adore.
Sanrio has killed my chances of becoming your fiancé,
My betrothal dreams dashed, each one thrown away.
I now grieve the love I hoped one day to share,
To lick each other freely as we groomed our hair.
Now a girl with whiskers, is what I’m told you are,
You’d better hoof it, you biped, to a hair-waxing bar.
Of a little mustache, human men I’m told aren’t fond,
While you’re at it, I hear that gentlemen prefer blondes.
But, if Sanrio flip flops realizing a genome mistake was made,
Know from deep in my heart my love for you will never fade.
Waiting in the wings, in my claws I will dangle a mouse,
A cat’s an engagement ring, hoping you’ll become my spouse.

Yours forever,

The Cheshire Cat
The Cat in the Hat
Puss in Boots
Simba (sorry Nala)
The Pink Panther

© 2014. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.

Author's note: Originally published on Absrd Comedy:

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