Monday, 3 November 2014

Parents Sue Their 6 Year Old For Giving Them Lung Cancer by Naomi Elana Zener


The trial against 6-year old Rachelle Dobkins, allegedly known as Ricky D in the underground cigarette sales black market, began today at the Beverly Hills, California courthouse, just a stone’s throw away from Sprinkles, the infamous cupcakery. Rachelle is being sued in a landmark precedent-setting case by her parents, Sam and Sally Dobkins, Rachelle’s parents, both life long non-smokers, allege that their daughter’s two-pack a day cigarette addiction is the sole cause of their respective Stage Two Adenocarcinoma and Stage Four Squamous Cell Carcinoma. Codefendants in the case are Phillip Morris, Reynolds American, and Lorillard. The Big Three tobacco companies were named in the suit as coconspirators who helped in the development of Sam and Sally’s life threatening disease by virtue of producing the product that their daughter ingested daily in the family’s home. When asked by reporters prior to the start of the lawsuit why they couldn’t get their 6 year old daughter to stop smoking, given that they are her parents and she was doing in their home, Sam responded by saying: “No matter what we did, she found a way to smoke in our house. Have you ever tried reasoning with children? They’re like Hamas and it’s impossible to negotiate with terrorists.”

Sam and Sally Dobkins’ counsel opened his case by arguing that playgrounds at school are dangerous places, where impressionable children are exposed to all sorts of behaviors.  During Rachelle’s attorney’s opening statement to the jury, he plead with them to throw the case out for lack of merit. He was quoted as saying “[h]ow plausible is it for a child of such a young age to develop a smoking habit, let alone have earned enough allowance to buy black market cigarettes without the help of her parents? How could young Racheele even find a black market to sell her the cigarettes, let alone even develop a taste for the cancer causing agent.”

Rachelle’s attorney went on to portray Rachelle as a law abiding 6 year old who fills her days with reading, writing, and arithmetic in her grade one class at P.S. 90210 in Beverly Hills, California.

Attorneys for the Big Three tobacco companies all stated emphatically in their opening remarks that the case is without merit and should be summarily dismissed with costs assessed on the Dobkins for their legal fees.

Claiming to be good Christian folk who’ve never touched a nicotine-filled stick a day in either of their lives, Sam and Sally believe that in teaching their daughter and the other kids at school that smoking is verboten, the school made it appealing for Rachelle to find temptation in the forbidden fruit that is nicotine. Adding to that temptation was the peer pressure of other children in the schoolyard, and to avoid being a victim of bullying, Rachelle unwillingly took her first drag of her first cigarette on their premises, enabling her lifelong cancer stick addiction. On her first inhale, she was hooked, and before both she and her parents knew it, Rachelle was stealing twenties out of her mother’s purse to buy cigarettes from the neighborhood smokes dealer when playing at the park.

Rachelle’s attorney countered by alleging that her parents’ respective cancers were in fact caused by their own secret cigarette addition that they’ve vehemently denied having.  Rachelle’s attorney claimed that this was an absurd publicity stunt on the part of her parents to get their medical bills covered, including Sally Dobkins birth control prescriptions, since their employer-provided medical coverage refused to pay for both their lifesaving chemotherapy treatments and Sally Dobkins’ IUD. At the time of printing, Hobby Lobby, Sam and Sally Dobkins’ employer, could not be reached for comment.

Currently, Rachelle is living under state supervision in a foster home, where her foster parents are accepting of all forms of addiction, including smoking. Being former nicotine addicts themselves, although Rachelle and her attorney continue to deny that she is in fact a smoker, the foster parents took in the little girl in the hopes of reforming any possible smoking addiction that she may or may not have.  At the close of day one in court, Rachelle could be seen strategizing with her attorney and those for the Big Three tobacco companies, outside of Sprinkles. Everyone, but for Rachelle, was seen calming their nerves with a cigarette. Rachelle was seen eating a cupcake, something that each attorney for the Big Three tobacco companies disavowed, claiming that “sugar will kill you.”

Stay tuned for day two of the case, when the Dobkins’ attorney begins to present their case-in-chief.




© 2014. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.

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