Saturday, 20 December 2014

Grooming Vexation Be Gone by Naomi Elana Zener

New York City, New York—With pelvic exams are no longer playing a role in routine female gynaecological exams performed by OB/Gyns and family doctors, women won’t have to live in fear of their physicians’ judgment for their choice of bikini wax grooming style, or lack thereof. Women across the globe, for whom grooming their personal South Beach is the norm, now feel unshackled from the mental anguish that consumed them prior to each medical examination of their lower lady parts, fearing that their healthcare provider would be displeased with their favoritism of either sporting a full Brazilian wax, airport-style landing strip, or the wilds of going au naturel.

“I feel badly that my patients felt anxiety about having me perform this routine examination,” Dr. Smith, a 56-year old family doctor from Washington D.C., advised. “I never judged how my female patients chose to wear their pubic hair. Quite frankly, I couldn’t care less who their sexual partners were so long as they were gloving it up. However, I’ve heard many of my colleagues question their patients’ choices—comments that have ranged from complaints about how a full head of pubic hair made their lives more difficult when trying to insert a speculum, to worries about how going bare down there allows bacteria to more easily infiltrate their patients’ urinary tract systems. In the end, it’s every woman’s choice to decide how and whether or not they wish to groom any part of their body.”

With the mounting pressure leading up to medical appointments gone—the need for women’s vaginas to look a certain way having disappeared—women’s Google calendars everywhere have experienced a run on deleting reminders to shave, get a bikini wax, schedule an electrolysis appointment, or buy a home waxing kit to prepare themselves for their respective pelvises’ date with their doctor.

“I feel free for the first time since my little Chia pet blossomed during puberty,” said Amanda K., a 25-year old Boston native. “I’ve always hated having to explain to my OB/Gyn during my pap smear that I was comfortable with sporting a bald Eagle. Without fail on each visit, he’d admonish me for subverting my body to the sexual desires of men, never believing me when I said it had nothing to do with men’s sexual proclivities—I’m a lesbian. I’m just not a fan of seeing errant hairs poking through my bikini bottoms.”

Having one source of fretfulness about the fa├žade of their vaginas eliminated, women have become fortified to mount a campaign to assuage the tension surrounding the build-up to date night pudenda preparation everywhere, hoping eventually to eliminate all sources of grooming vexation and pressure for women everywhere.

© 2014. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, 3 December 2014

Hello Mother, Hello Father by Naomi Elana Zener

Hello muddah, hello faddah,
I’m at Camp ISIS Intifada.
Life here’s very, very straining,
My joy for killing infidels I’ve been feigning!

I cleaned weapons with Al-Abhivey,
Moved dead bodies, got poison ivy.
Stuck doing dishes after dinner,
My bright idea to join ISIS wasn’t a winner!

All the jihadists deeply hate women,
Water’s full o’blood, can’t go swimmin’!
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi hates Hello Kitty,
So, he’s banned her image from Aleppo city.
And, while I don’t want to scare you,
They may now know that dad’s a half-Jew!
My iPod’s broken, cell’s got no reception,
I was lured here under pretence of deception!
Bring me home, oh muddah, faddah.
Bring me home, I can’t do no Intifada.
Please don’t leave me, here in Syria,
Where beheadings are more common than diphtheria!

Bring me home, I won’t make any radical noise,
Or, mess the house with my jihadist toys.
Don’t make me stay here, they’re fucking crazy;
If we don’t kill enough people they say we’re lazy!

Dearest faddah, darling muddah,
How's my precious little bruddah?
Keep him out of ISIS Internet chatrooms;
Or, soon he’ll be here with me cleaning bathrooms!

Wait a minute; someone’s coming.
Guns are shooting, guys are running.
U.S. airstrikes, it’s getting worse than better.
Muddah, faddah, I’ll be dead before you get this letter!

© 2014. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.