New York City, New York—With pelvic exams are no
longer playing a role in routine female gynaecological exams performed by
OB/Gyns and family doctors, women won’t have to live in fear of their
physicians’ judgment for their choice of bikini wax grooming style, or lack
thereof. Women across the globe, for whom grooming their personal South Beach
is the norm, now feel unshackled from the mental anguish that consumed them prior
to each medical examination of their lower lady parts, fearing that their
healthcare provider would be displeased with their favoritism of either
sporting a full Brazilian wax, airport-style landing strip, or the wilds of
going au naturel.
“I feel badly that my patients felt anxiety about
having me perform this routine examination,” Dr. Smith, a 56-year old family
doctor from Washington D.C., advised. “I never judged how my female patients
chose to wear their pubic hair. Quite frankly, I couldn’t care less who their
sexual partners were so long as they were gloving it up. However, I’ve heard
many of my colleagues question their patients’ choices—comments that have
ranged from complaints about how a full head of pubic hair made their lives
more difficult when trying to insert a speculum, to worries about how going
bare down there allows bacteria to more easily infiltrate their patients’
urinary tract systems. In the end, it’s every woman’s choice to decide how and
whether or not they wish to groom any part of their body.”
With the mounting pressure leading up to medical
appointments gone—the need for women’s vaginas to look a certain way having
disappeared—women’s Google calendars everywhere have experienced a run on
deleting reminders to shave, get a bikini wax, schedule an electrolysis
appointment, or buy a home waxing kit to prepare themselves for their
respective pelvises’ date with their doctor.
“I feel free for the first time since my little Chia
pet blossomed during puberty,” said Amanda K., a 25-year old Boston native.
“I’ve always hated having to explain to my OB/Gyn during my pap smear that I
was comfortable with sporting a bald Eagle. Without fail on each visit, he’d
admonish me for subverting my body to the sexual desires of men, never
believing me when I said it had nothing to do with men’s sexual
proclivities—I’m a lesbian. I’m just not a fan of seeing errant hairs poking
through my bikini bottoms.”
Having one source of fretfulness about the façade of
their vaginas eliminated, women have become fortified to mount a campaign to
assuage the tension surrounding the build-up to date night pudenda preparation
everywhere, hoping eventually to eliminate all sources of grooming vexation and
pressure for women everywhere.
© 2014. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights
Reserved.
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