Hello Mother, Hello Father by Naomi Elana Zener

Hello muddah, hello faddah,
I’m at Camp ISIS Intifada.

Life here’s very, very straining,
My joy for killing infidels I’ve been feigning!

I cleaned weapons with Al-Abhivey,
Moved dead bodies, got poison ivy.
Stuck doing dishes after dinner,

My bright idea to join ISIS wasn’t a winner!

All the jihadists deeply hate women,

Water’s full o’blood, can’t go swimmin’!

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi hates Hello Kitty,
So, he’s banned her image from Aleppo city.

 
And, while I don’t want to scare you,
They may now know that dad’s a half-Jew!

My iPod’s broken, cell’s got no reception,
I was lured here under pretence of deception!

 
Bring me home, oh muddah, faddah.
Bring me home, I can’t do no Intifada.
Please don’t leave me, here in Syria,

Where beheadings are more common than diphtheria!

Bring me home, I won’t make any radical noise,
Or, mess the house with my jihadist toys.
Don’t make me stay here, they’re fucking crazy;
If we don’t kill enough people they say we’re lazy!

Dearest faddah, darling muddah,
How's my precious little bruddah?
Keep him out of ISIS Internet chatrooms;
Or, soon he’ll be here with me cleaning bathrooms!

Wait a minute; someone’s coming.
Guns are shooting, guys are running.

U.S. airstrikes, it’s getting worse than better.
Muddah, faddah, I’ll be dead before you get this letter!

© 2014. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.

SOURCE OF INSPIRATION: 

http://www.nationalpost.com/m/wp/news/blog.html?b=news.nationalpost.com/2014/12/02/joining-isis-has-left-them-bored-disillusioned-and-afraid-french-jihadists-write-in-letters-to-home&pubdate=2014-12-03