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www.satiricalmama.com & Satirical Mama are owned & operated by & reflect the views of Naomi Elana Zener, author of Deathbed Dimes (available worldwide: Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Indigo, iTunes).
Saturday, 4 April 2015
Welcome to Antivaxxistan by Naomi Elana Zener
It felt as though we’d been driving on the
highway for days. The cornfields grew taller with every blink, consuming the
landscape with their blinding yellow. I knew that all traces of civilization had
disappeared when our radio could only pick up a solitary signal for a station
carrying an outdated weather report on a loop.
“Are we there yet?” I pestered my folks
again with the universal road trip question uttered incessantly by children the
world over since the beginning of time. Accustomed to having been asked this in
fifteen-minute intervals since we’d left, my parents had grown weary and tired.
They’d simply stopped answering me.Always a curious child, it was fitting that I’d been named George. And,
thanks to the moniker bestowed upon me, I’d spent my twelve years of life on
the planet referred to as Curious George by everyone.
“Quiet, Curious George,” my father snapped.
I hate that fucking monkey and this
fucking road trip, I thought. Without warning, a faded, obscure
signpost—the kind that if you blink, you’d miss it—appeared out of nowhere. I
caught it in a sideways glance, as my parents’ Prius rolled along. It could’ve
easily been a mirage, after all, we’d been traveling to a mythical destination
only spoken of in whispers and code words to shelter it from prying eyes.
TO ANTIVAXXISTAN, the sign read on the side of the highway.
Our final destination. The Promised Land.
Antivaxxistan, the nirvana for which my
parents had upended our lives, was untouched by vaccines and run by a dictator
named Jenny Shamefield, a former nude model and staunch vaccine critic.
Anitvaxxistan, the place where not a single soul was allowed to be vaccinated
ever again upon crossing its threshold, and where everyone absolutely knew your name in order to ensure no one broke
rank from the commune’s antivax edict. This was the place that consumed my
parents minds and was all they could talk about since the Great Outbreak.
Although the majority of my school chums had
been vaccinated, myself included, about eighty percent of my classmates didn’t
escape the ravages of the Great Outbreak, and were afflicted with measles. The
momentum of the antivax movement sweeping North America had caused herd
immunity to disintegrate. Two children died: one who’d been vaccinated, and one
who hadn’t. Three unvaccinated kids went deaf, but the silver lining for them was
that they didn’t have to hear their crunchy parents extol the virtues of not having
been vaccinated anymore—the proof was in the viral pudding, they went deaf and
finally their antivax parents shut their mouths since they’d been proven wrong.
Thankfully, the rest of us had survived with a fortified immune system. With
herd immunity having been eroded, I was one of the lucky ones who’d emerged
unscathed and untouched by this pox on our community.
My parents, however, weren’t left unscathed.
Instead, they were dizzy with worry, their heads swollen with conflicting
information: antivax myths and boldfaced lies, and the sober facts of the CDC
and our family’s doctors. They no longer knew what was true anymore. Scared and
scarred, my once intelligent and of sound mind mother and father began spending
their nights scouring the Internet for answers, despite my repeating to them
the wise words of my pediatrician that “no good ever came from consulting Dr.
Google.”They couldn’t understand how
the vaccinated kids could’ve fallen ill. Worse yet still, four of my
unvaccinated classmates didn’t get the measles at all. My mother and father
suffered from extreme guilt over both my body’s dodge of the measles draft and
ultimate survival. When my parents asked how that was even possible, those
kids’ parents all said the same thing: Vitamin A saves lives.
Sensing the chink in my parents’ armor, the
antivaxxer parents of my classmates who’d escaped the measles, and were being
hailed as miracle children, flocked to my folks lobbying them with their
pseudoscience ‘facts’ and libertarian beliefs. They’d managed to convince my
highly educated parents—with two MBAs and one JD degree between them—that
salvation from the pressures to vaccinate and surviving future outbreaks was to
be found in Antivaxxistan—a place where all four crackpot, nutterbutter
families were moving. Heralded by those in the know as the miracle colony where
no one is vaccinated, or, if they are, they’ve never gotten boosters, my family
became the newest citizens of Antivaxxistan, a place more difficult to find
than a secret group on Facebook.
“Mom, dad, what are you going to do for
work once we get there?” I asked, after we passed the signpost. They’d never
answered my same question before the move, not even after they’d sold our
house, quit their jobs, or packed us up. I figured they had to tell me now.
“Antivaxxistan is a self-sustaining
compound. So, as long as we help to spread the antivax message, we don’t have
to work. They provide us with housing, medical care, food, education for you…”
my father explained.
“Oh, so they’re like Scientologists,” I
“Don’t be disrespectful,” my father
retorted, flashing me a scowl in the rearview mirror.
“So, we’re moving to Dumbfuckingstan and I
get no say” I fumed.
“Watch your mouth. We’re your parents. You
listen to what we tell you to do. Got it?” my father snapped.
“Sweetheart, you need to trust us. We know
what’s good for you,” my mother added trying to soften my father’s stern
warning. “We’re just trying to protect you.”
“But, my vaccines already have,” I pled.
“Are you going to stop?” my father shouted.
“You almost made me miss my turn.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I muttered.
The car heaved right.The cornrows parted almost instinctively, as
our Prius rolled along the dirt and weed covered road, leading us to our new
home: a barbed-wire walled-in compound. It felt like we were dead men on our
last walk of freedom before entering a giant maximum-security prison. A prison
designed to keep the crazy inside and the diseases away. We slowly rolled up to
the heavily armed-guarded gates of Antivaxxistan. I glanced upwards to see the
name of our new home hovering above, hanging in the air, telling us that upon
entry we would be made free. Our car came to a grinding halt. Two AK-47s were
suddenly staring us in squarely in the face, with two more pointed at our rear.
“I guess that Jenny Shamefield figures if
Vitamin A doesn’t work to keep the viruses and bacterial microbes out, bullets
will, huh?” I chimed.
“Quiet,” my mother ordered.
A hulking guard, dressed for a black ops
mission, knocked on my father’s window. “License and immunization records!” I
sat in the backseat, my headphones on and iPad in clear view, pretending to be
unaware, but surreptitiously taking in my surroundings with the keen eye of an
infectious disease scientist.I counted
the number of guards: 1, 2, 3…there were six in total. They were all abnormally
large; in the way that such musculature could only be the product of steroid
doping. We weren’t in Kansas anymore. My father nodded his head at the guard’s
command, too scared to make eye contact. My mother, quivered in the front
passenger seat. She nervously handed over the demanded documentation to my
father, who passed it to the gloved hand of our captor. The guard eyed the
papers carefully. Then, he pulled out a walkie-talkie.
“We have fully vaxxed people at the gates. Their
inoculations are up to date. Name is Wise. You expecting them boss?” the guard
“I’ve been expecting them. Have them
surrender their immunization records and sign the agreement before letting them
in,” a female voice advised.
The guard shoved a clipboard, with some
paperwork affixed to it, at my father. In addition to the agreement, there was
also a brochure containing town information and instructions for where we were
to go to get our housing assignment. The guard returned only my father’s
driver’s license and retained our precious inoculation records. There went the proof that I was up to date
with my immunizations, I thought sadly. I supposed that if I ever saw the
light of a free-world day again, I’d have to get my titers checked to prove I
had been immunized.
“Fill this out. When you’re done, honk and
I’ll come back and get them,” the guard instructed. He returned to his guard
booth, but the remaining guards kept their guns and ammo trained in our
“What’s it say?” my mother whispered, despite the fact that our windows were
all rolled up.
signing this agreement, you agree never to leave Antivaxxistan for any reason
whatsoever, without the written consent of Madame Jenny Shamefield. To do so,
will result in punishment in the form of exposure to that which we are here to
protect you against. You hereby promise never to receive another vaccination
ever again, and should you do so, you will undergo a detoxification and
auditing program conducting by our sister organization at an undisclosed
location out at sea,” my father read aloud.
“I knew it!” I exclaimed. “They are Scientologists.”
My father frowned. The skepticism and doubt
about moving to Antivaxxistan he’d forced to recede to shadowed corners of his
mind started to spread across his face. A staunch atheist, the one thing he
couldn’t abide by was religion. Especially fake, cultish ones.
“You promised me these antivaxxers were not religious people,” my father
admonished my mother.
“I had no idea,” she countered. “Look,
we’re here. We quit our lives. There’s no going back now. Sign the damn thing
and let’s get on with this. Keep your eye on the prize. We’re here to ensure
that George leads a long and healthy life. As long as we do what this says, it
doesn’t seem like we have to become Scientologists.”
My father perused the rest of the agreement
for what seemed like an eternity. He scribbled fiercely on the signature line
as if he was signing over his soul to the Devil himself. He honked the horn.
The incredible hulk returned and took the executed agreement. The gates parted.
The guns were retracted. And, in we drove, into the mouth of the monster,
likely never to be heard of or seen again.
Once inside, it was as if we were in
Disneyland. There were no signs that we’d driven through a cornfield, or passed
through a frightening security checkpoint. Everything was shiny and new. For a
moment, I thought I heard “It’s A Small World After All” playing on the loudspeakers
overhead. Instead, what was playing was an alternate version of the famed song
with a refrain of “It’s Not a Smallpox World After All.” Litter was
nonexistent, as was dirt. The only time I’d ever seen something so clean was
when my former pediatrician opened up a sterile, brand new needle to give me a
shot. Main Street looked like it belonged in Anytown, U.S.A. The only
difference being that in Antivaxxistan, everything was organic: the pharmacy,
the shoe store, the family clothing store (where it turned out everything was
made from organic cotton, hemp and silkworm thread), the bookstore, and the hardware
store. There was even a Whole Foods. According to the brochure we were handed
by the guard with our initial paperwork, there were no video rental stores, but
there was Netflix. The only images, sullying the pristine mock small town
landscape, were posters interspersed on the brick facades between storefronts
carrying ‘truthful’ messages that every Antivaxxistanian was expected to commit
parents who love their kids don’t vaccinate!
immunity trumps a synthesized one.
Pharma is Big Brother.
are full of mercury, formaldehyde, aluminum, and sodium.
kids are 5 times more likely to get diseases.
people are healthier than vaccinated ones.
of vaccination outweigh benefits.
are unnecessary. We don’t live in Africa!
sanitation eliminates need for vaccines!
We parked our car, per the instructions
given, in front of the Welcome Center. A man attired in brightly colored
clothes with a giant smile plastered to his face immediately greeted us. They may not approve of vaccines, but they
clearly have no problem with getting ugly dental veneers, I thought to myself.
“Howdy there folks,” the man said. He
embraced each one of us awkwardly.
“Don’t worry, I don’t have measles,” I
joked when he grabbed me. “I’ve been vaccinated.”
His smile disappeared.
“I’m Tom Rubella.”
“Like the disease?” my mother asked.
“Ha! Ha! No,” Tom deadpanned. He’d heard
that joke his entire life. “It’s Pennsylvanian Dutch.” We nodded. “Madame
Shamefield wanted to be here to greet you, but unfortunately, there was a
slight hiccup in her schedule.”
“What happened?” my father inquired. Before
Rubella could answer, we heard a commotion coming from fifty feet away. A
woman’s shrill voice boomed over the loudspeakers had replaced the symphonic music
that had first greeted us.
Antivaxxistanians report to the main square for the public shaming,” the voice
“That includes you three now,” Rubella
advised. His tone carried the underlying threat of infection if we didn’t
“What happened?” I asked.
“A woman snuck out in the middle of the
night and visited the closest walk-in medical clinic without permission. She’d
managed to read some unsanctioned news about the spread of measles to a nearby
school, so she decided to get her daughter’s vaccines brought up to date. Luckily,
one of the guards saw them sneak off and followed her. He got there in the nick
of time, too. The doctor was about to inject the woman’s daughter with MMR
poison. Now, she needs to be made an example of.”
“Um, how does that work exactly?” my mother
“Each person who wants to participate gets
to spend 5 minutes lecturing parent on harm of vaccines.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I shouted.
“Language!” my mother admonished.
“They shame us on the outside, so we’re
just using the same tactic on the inside,” Tom countered. “And, watch your
mouth young man.”
“Or, what. You’ll wash my mouth out with
soap? I read that’s already part of your disease prevention program. I’m
shaking in my vaccinated skin.”
“Quippy young man you’ve got there,” Tom
spat at my parents, as he roughly tousled my hair.
“Careful,” I advised. “I am fully vaccinated. I wouldn’t want you
to touch my hair and have some of the MMR coursing inside of me seep into your
hands and give you the autism I don’t have.” I was armed with provax facts and
ready for a fight, even if it meant being sent away as a slave at sea.
“We’ll detox your skin of those vaccines
soon enough. We wouldn’t want you to develop autism, or have an adverse
reaction to them, like dying.” Rubella winked at my mother, sensing that she’d
been the driver behind our move to Antivaxxistan.
“Rubella, you’re full of shit. The
probability of getting measles is like 1 in 500, whereas experiencing a serious
adverse reaction to the MMR vaccine is 1 in 1,000,000,” I chimed in. “And, I’m
twelve. If vaccines would’ve made me autistic, I’d be autistic by now, and I’m
not. And, you know why I’m not autistic? Because vaccines don’t cause autism.”
Rubella ignored me. The typical antivax
response when those proselytizers had none to give. We made it to the center of
town, where the publicly shamed woman and her daughter stood, as if they were witches
being burned at the stake. Surrounded by townspeople armed with placards
carrying the same antivax messages as the posters riddled around town, the
woman and her daughter hung their heads in shame.
“By sneaking out of here, you compromised
our herd immunity,” Shamefield, who was standing squarely in front of the
accused, shouted into her megaphone. “Now, you and your daughter have to be
removed and put in isolation to protect the rest of us.”
The crowd cheered.
“Excuse me,” I piped up despite my mother
and father doing their best to restrain and muzzle me, “but herd immunity is
something that arises out of vaccine compliance. You need 95% of the population
to be vaccinated for herd immunity to exist. Since everyone here is basically
noncompliant with the required routine immunization schedule, there is no herd immunity in Antivaxxistan.”
Shamefield turned her gaze and megaphone
upon me. She marched up to my family, scrutinizing each one of us with
“Who are you, young man?” she barked, pointing her megaphone squarely in my
“George Wise. Of the once wise Wises. We
moved here today.”
Shamefield stared at my parents.My mother and father turned beet red.
“It’s ok. He’s just a child. He doesn’t
know better,” Shamefield cajoled through an evil grin. “Just like he doesn’t
understand the complexities of vaccines and the harm they cause.”
“Madam Jenny Shamefield and Dr. Wakefield
are our saviors!” Rubella shouted to distract the crowd from my outburst.
“Wakefield was a quack and a fraud who lost
his medical license and went to jail. His discredited study was based on a
sample of twelve kids and had no basis in science. Plus, in Japan, once the MMR
vaccine wasn’t given, but later reintroduced, autism rates remained unchanged,
proving that there’s no correlation,” I countered.
“Muzzle your son!” Shamefield instructed my
parents. They pulled me behind them to protect me.
“God saves!” a woman cried out.
“It’s our right not to be vaccinated!” a
man screamed. “Just like it’s our right to own guns, not pay taxes, and be free
from intrusion from government.”
And, just like that, the Stepford Antivaxxistanis
were swept up in a frenzy chanting slogans they were brainwashed to believe. Shamefield
smiled. She knew that the numbers were on her side—we’d never make it out of
there alive if I kept shooting off my mouth. My parents stood there terrified.
They fake smiled at Shamefield, so as not to be further singled out of the
crowd. They shot me knowing glances—their eyes offering me a mea culpa. They’d regained their senses
realizing they were strangers in a strange land, deluged by a flood of
seriously disturbed people. Shamefield marched over to Rubella.
“I think it’s time you take them to their
new home, so they can rest. We can start acclimating them to life here in the
morning. I think that little Curious George may need to start off with an
intensive auditing program,” Shamefield warned.
Rubella nodded his head. He led us back to
“Just follow closely behind my car,” Rubella
instructed, pointing at his red Prius. “In case you somehow get lost, you take
the last, sharp right immediately before you reach the front gates. Ok?”
My parents nodded.
We piled into the car. My mother got behind
the wheel and gripped it for dear life—my father too distracted to drive—having
realized she’d made a dreadful mistake in moving us to Antivaxxistan. No one in
the car uttered a single work. You could cut the tension between them with a
needle so small even an infant would feel it. Rubella had already driven ahead,
leaving a distance of several car lengths between us and his pox on wheels. In
the semi-distance, my mom saw where Rubella made his right turn. She glanced
over at my father, then at me in the rearview mirror. Summoning up all of her
Thelma and Louise-like courage, she slammed on the gas pedal and gunned it for
the gates. When our hybrid-Prius smashed through the barriers, I thought it was
going to shatter into a million little pieces before the AK-47 bullets could
tear through it. But, by some miracle, neither happened. It turned out that our
Prius was fortified like a tank and crumpled the barrier as if it were stepping
on an ant. And, as luck would have it, the guards hadn’t returned to their post
from their union-mandated fifteen-minute coffee break.
“Shit, mom, you could drive for NASCAR.”
“Drive like a mother fucker,” my father screamed.
“Wait, what about our immunization
records?” I asked. “Jenny from the Pox and her henchmen still have them!”
“Don’t worry about them. I gave them facsimiles.
I stuffed the real ones in my underwear in case we needed to escape,” my mom
advised.Clearly, she hadn’t lost all of
her Harvard-trained scruples. “You were right all along, honey. Those
antivaxxers are out of their fucking minds.”
“Scientologists, too,” my father added.
I stared out the window. “They always said
a child shall lead them.”