Toronto, ON—In a statement released today
by the Ontario government, regarding the ongoing work-to-rule campaign being
waged by Ontario’s teachers, it was finally the province’s Minister of
Education revealed that the goal to increase classroom sizes is unrelated to
the financial deficit crushing the regime’s coffers. Instead, it’s as a direct
result of months of government commissioned independent analysis that has
proved classroom size expansion is the best way to prepare children for
university. And, to achieve the best
results, such enlargements must start at the kindergarten level.
The government advised that larger class
sizes at every grade level will translate into parental appreciation for a few
reasons. First, parents will be grateful that their children will never feel
like fish out of water when they enter their freshmen year at universities
across North America, or possibly even abroad. With first year university
lecture class sizes running several hundred deep, Ontario’s children will be
readied to know what it’s like being a cog in a well-oiled machine from the age
of four when they commenced their road to enlightenment in full day junior
kindergarten.
“Think of how great it will be to sit
around the dinner table and know that when they’re eighteen and sitting in an
intro English course at university, they won’t be afraid to raise their hand
and ask questions of their professor. We will have readied your children so
that university will be a breeze,” the Premier advised. “No child will feel
left behind because we will have conquered that in the primary years of their
education. And, they will know that they are no different from everyone else
since they’re all in the same boat.”
Second, the government is confident parents
will give thanks knowing that all of their children will get to have a
university experience despite the fact that many of them won’t eventually be
able to afford to go upon graduation from high school. Given that by the time
many children entering junior kindergarten in the fall of 2015 won’t even be
able to afford university by time they reach 18—with the cost of tuition rising
beyond numbers analysts can properly forecast at this time—the government
believes that by increasing class sizes, those students will receive a
university experience they’d otherwise be denied. Part of the government plan
is to start introducing subjects in elementary school like “The Circle of Life:
Normal Events through Simba’s Lense,” “Clapping for Credits,”
and “Natural Disasters: A course taught by way of CNN headlines,” some of the most popular, easy A, bird courses
offered to freshmen in Canadian and American post-secondary institutions. By
making these courses part of the curriculum, the government is stalwart in its
conviction that this will further enhance the university experience for these
young, impressionable minds. The advantage gained will be that no Ontario child,
or their parents, will waste a penny on such coursework if, and when, they do
seek higher education beyond their secondary school matriculation. By
downloading these educational experiences onto junior kindergarten through
grade twelve, the government emphasized that along with higher-class sizes the
need for a Bachelor of Arts degree may be dispelled.
“Taxpaying parents should be happy we were
voted into office. Truth be told, studies have shown that a B.A. won’t
guarantee a higher paying job,” the Minister of Education added. “So, if all
that’s left of a university degree at the end of the day is simply the
four-year experience of large classes and coursework and that won’t get these
kids great careers, then we are effectively giving these kids a fourteen year
college experience without the dangers of partying, while saving these kids and
their parents high debt or eating up retirement funds. We’re really doing
everyone a favour.”
The government thinks that these measures
will effectively redirect many students into professions that can be started
upon graduation from high school, ensuring that only those who actually need to go to
university in order to seek higher degrees of learning, like medicine or law,
will have less competition and a lower bar to entry. The press release stated
that this will further result in adding to the future pool of taxpayers many
years sooner than had they wasted four years getting a Bachelor of Arts degree with
no promise of a job. The projected additional revenue generated from the income
tax recouped is believed to eventually help to offset the province’s growing
deficit.
If successful, the government even hinted
at potential plans to pepper children of different ages in every classroom,
allowing teachers to teach mixed grades, bringing Ontario’s children a
Montessori-like experience on the taxpayers’ dime. The Minister of Education
advised that “it’ll be like getting a Montessori experience for free by being
immersed in subjects the kids may never get to learn. And, parents won’t have
to pay twenty grand a year to get that.”
Shortly after the government’s press
release was made public, Ontario teachers who’d been on a work-to-rule campaign
walked out of their classrooms, and their union commenced a strike action.
Furthermore, shortly before this article went to press, the paper received
several calls from universities around Ontario reporting a sudden spike in
requests for, and downloads of, medical and law school applications.
© 2015. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights
Reserved.
