Saturday, 23 May 2015

Time to Grow Up by Naomi Elana Zener

Toronto, ON—In a statement released today by the Ontario government, regarding the ongoing work-to-rule campaign being waged by Ontario’s teachers, it was finally the province’s Minister of Education revealed that the goal to increase classroom sizes is unrelated to the financial deficit crushing the regime’s coffers. Instead, it’s as a direct result of months of government commissioned independent analysis that has proved classroom size expansion is the best way to prepare children for university.  And, to achieve the best results, such enlargements must start at the kindergarten level.

The government advised that larger class sizes at every grade level will translate into parental appreciation for a few reasons. First, parents will be grateful that their children will never feel like fish out of water when they enter their freshmen year at universities across North America, or possibly even abroad. With first year university lecture class sizes running several hundred deep, Ontario’s children will be readied to know what it’s like being a cog in a well-oiled machine from the age of four when they commenced their road to enlightenment in full day junior kindergarten.

“Think of how great it will be to sit around the dinner table and know that when they’re eighteen and sitting in an intro English course at university, they won’t be afraid to raise their hand and ask questions of their professor. We will have readied your children so that university will be a breeze,” the Premier advised. “No child will feel left behind because we will have conquered that in the primary years of their education. And, they will know that they are no different from everyone else since they’re all in the same boat.”

Second, the government is confident parents will give thanks knowing that all of their children will get to have a university experience despite the fact that many of them won’t eventually be able to afford to go upon graduation from high school. Given that by the time many children entering junior kindergarten in the fall of 2015 won’t even be able to afford university by time they reach 18—with the cost of tuition rising beyond numbers analysts can properly forecast at this time—the government believes that by increasing class sizes, those students will receive a university experience they’d otherwise be denied. Part of the government plan is to start introducing subjects in elementary school like “The Circle of Life: Normal Events through Simba’s Lense,” “Clapping for Credits,” and “Natural Disasters: A course taught by way of CNN headlines,”  some of the most popular, easy A, bird courses offered to freshmen in Canadian and American post-secondary institutions. By making these courses part of the curriculum, the government is stalwart in its conviction that this will further enhance the university experience for these young, impressionable minds. The advantage gained will be that no Ontario child, or their parents, will waste a penny on such coursework if, and when, they do seek higher education beyond their secondary school matriculation. By downloading these educational experiences onto junior kindergarten through grade twelve, the government emphasized that along with higher-class sizes the need for a Bachelor of Arts degree may be dispelled.

“Taxpaying parents should be happy we were voted into office. Truth be told, studies have shown that a B.A. won’t guarantee a higher paying job,” the Minister of Education added. “So, if all that’s left of a university degree at the end of the day is simply the four-year experience of large classes and coursework and that won’t get these kids great careers, then we are effectively giving these kids a fourteen year college experience without the dangers of partying, while saving these kids and their parents high debt or eating up retirement funds. We’re really doing everyone a favour.”

The government thinks that these measures will effectively redirect many students into professions that can be started upon graduation from high school, ensuring that  only those who actually need to go to university in order to seek higher degrees of learning, like medicine or law, will have less competition and a lower bar to entry. The press release stated that this will further result in adding to the future pool of taxpayers many years sooner than had they wasted four years getting a Bachelor of Arts degree with no promise of a job. The projected additional revenue generated from the income tax recouped is believed to eventually help to offset the province’s growing deficit.

If successful, the government even hinted at potential plans to pepper children of different ages in every classroom, allowing teachers to teach mixed grades, bringing Ontario’s children a Montessori-like experience on the taxpayers’ dime. The Minister of Education advised that “it’ll be like getting a Montessori experience for free by being immersed in subjects the kids may never get to learn. And, parents won’t have to pay twenty grand a year to get that.”

Shortly after the government’s press release was made public, Ontario teachers who’d been on a work-to-rule campaign walked out of their classrooms, and their union commenced a strike action. Furthermore, shortly before this article went to press, the paper received several calls from universities around Ontario reporting a sudden spike in requests for, and downloads of, medical and law school applications.

© 2015. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.

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