Sunday, 7 June 2015

Stand and Deliver by Naomi Elana Zener

NEW YORK, NY—Women are standing up for their right to no longer having to sit down to urinate.

Fed up and disgusted, women, the world over have taken to public washrooms, WCs, port-a-potties, the wilderness, and even at home to stage a universal call –to-arms to fight for their right to pee like men.  After years of struggling with finding balance in the squat-and-hover position over public toilet seats—spotted with unsightly marks due to the ghastly lack of hygiene displayed by many prior occupants of the stalls—women have chosen to take control over the flow of their stream.

Thanks to new funnel-like devices—some resembling the paper cups made available to sip water from around the office water cooler—no longer are women anchored by their X-linked plumbing, forced to sit or squat to relieve their bladders ready to runneth over. Now equipped with an extension tool that a certain god didn’t intend for them to have, the days of bending and balancing over latrines of any kind—porcelain, plastic, and even the hole-in-the-ground variety—are behind them. No more do they have to use sheets upon sheets of seat liners to protect their tushies from whatever bugs the petri dish of a public john may be housing.

A group of women protesting the state of female washrooms at a local mall was confronted by a male security guard, who asked “[w]hy not simply hover over the seat and pee like a girl?”

“For the same reason don’t men sit then when they pee. We don’t want our genitals touching or dipping into dirty toilet water shared by thousands of nameless vaginas,” an unidentified woman spat back. “I’m a five foot nothing woman. Do you know what kind of room that leaves between my backside and the toilet seat? None. Zip. Nada. I bend, I sit. And, I don’t want to sit in some other woman’s urine splatter!”

By virtue of urinating as a female erectus, the women argue that they too can do away with the tree-killing practice of using toilet paper. Able to shake out the last evacuated drops with gravity working in their favour, women, should they choose to do so, won’t have to worry anymore about the bothersome, but strategically important front to back wipe to prevent the development of urinary tract infections.  

“If we don’t have to sit or hover anymore to urinate, why do we have to wipe? Ever see a man wipe himself at a urinal?” a woman was quoted telling a throng of journalists at the mall.

Although many trees will be saved due to the eventual decrease in demand for toilet paper, women need to be reminded that doing away with sitting on the comfort station to expel excess liquid is not a panacea. Although these women have won a hard earned battle, they should know that with ying comes yang. Failure to wipe has consequences—women should expect their underwear to take on more of a jaundiced appearance, similar to those briefs and boxers of their male counterparts, as seen by wives, girlfriends, spouses, and partners lining laundry baskets globally. As well, women’s southern region lady parts may also start to smell like a urinal. However, in the elusive search for equanimity between men and women, women are willing to bear these crosses to standing up and pee like men. Here’s to another victory for feminism!

© 2015. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.