Tuesday, 11 April 2017
Very proud to become a papa my hubby was he,
Dreaming of parenthood he said since he was three.
Not common for men to admit such a truth,
In his behaviour he promised to offer up proof.
Guarantees of playing and reading with he or she,
And a large sparkling push present especially for me.
Massages were plentiful, with a daily foot rub,
Hubby drawing me bubble baths for frequent soaks in the tub.
When time came and my painful contractions began,
The first breach of contract was made by the man!
“Take me to the hospital at once!” I commanded.
“Please give me one more hour of sleep!” he demanded.
“This baby is coming whether or not you get of bed!”
“Alright I'll take you now but stop nagging!,” he pled.
In labour the nurse ordered: "Help her breathe! Hold up her leg!"
“Stop taking pictures of my mutilated vagina,” I begged.
After what seemed like an eternity,
In one fell swoop baby came out of me.
Hubby's promise to do everything to please her,
And giving me a diamond watch didn't hurt either,
Overtaken by love for this heavenly angel I was driven,
With our daughter's arrival all his sins were forgiven.
The detente remained in place until the first crisis arrived,
Baby's unending screaming from midnight to five.
“Feed her, hold her or rock her to sleep!” he cried.
I said: “She won't settle down no matter what I've tried.”
“Well figure it out I'm going back to sleep,” hubby announced.
And I said if he did out the door his ass would be bounced.
As weeks wore on in his daddy behaviour there was progression,
But without warning there was a sudden regression.
Daughter's crying went unanswered during his parenting hour,
Me rushing to pick her up losing all control and power.
When it came to dirty diaper changes he became lazy,
I still loved my husband but he was driving me crazy!
And those foot rubs and massages disappeared with the horizon,
I decided to confront hubby before I spiked his coffee with poison.
When baby has eaten, been changed, burped and put to bed,
Then it's mommy time so sanity returns to my head.
If there's time after that then hubby you come in third!
Rolling his eyes at the new rules he flipped me the bird.
“I'm sorry but I need down time for me,” he said.
At which point I promptly shoved him out of bed.
Your days of lounging about putting you first are now over!
If you want to regain your leisure find a four leaf clover.
My new boss lady has turned me in to a human udder,
Thoughts of trying on my jeans makes me shudder.
I need to workout, get a facial or a mani-pedi,
But life revolves around the kiddo not you or me.
Get down with Fisher Price and Baby Einstein,
Pick up the Baby Bullet and put down the beer stein!
Remember your dreams of becoming a daddy?
It took two to tango so baby made us three.
“Fatherhood is more challenging than I expected,” he exclaimed.
His selfish urges he swore would now be tamed.
Primary parenting responsibilities hubby overtook,
Having memorized each rhyme in the Mother Goose book.
In getting our daughter to sleep he became an expert,
Feeding her and not sweating spit up on his shirt.
Pampering me returned as his priority,
Cooking meals and putting away laundry.
A-plus and gold stars earned for his hubby and parenting style,
No more need to keep the divorce lawyer's number on speed dial!
© 2017. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.