Very
proud to become a papa my hubby was he,
Dreaming
of parenthood he said since he was three.
Not
common for men to admit such a truth,
In his
behaviour he promised to offer up proof.
Guarantees
of playing and reading with he or she,
And a
large sparkling push present especially for me.
Massages were
plentiful, with a daily foot rub,
Hubby
drawing me bubble baths for frequent soaks in the tub.
When time
came and my painful contractions began,
The first
breach of contract was made by the man!
“Take me
to the hospital at once!” I commanded.
“Please give
me one more hour of sleep!” he demanded.
“This
baby is coming whether or not you get of bed!”
“Alright
I'll take you now but stop nagging!,” he pled.
In labour
the nurse ordered: "Help her breathe! Hold up her leg!"
“Stop
taking pictures of my mutilated vagina,” I begged.
After
what seemed like an eternity,
In one
fell swoop baby came out of me.
Hubby's
promise to do everything to please her,
And
giving me a diamond watch didn't hurt either,
Overtaken
by love for this heavenly angel I was driven,
With our
daughter's arrival all his sins were forgiven.
The
detente remained in place until the first crisis arrived,
Baby's
unending screaming from midnight to five.
“Feed
her, hold her or rock her to sleep!” he cried.
I said:
“She won't settle down no matter what I've tried.”
“Well
figure it out I'm going back to sleep,” hubby announced.
And I
said if he did out the door his ass would be bounced.
As weeks
wore on in his daddy behaviour there was progression,
But
without warning there was a sudden regression.
Daughter's
crying went unanswered during his parenting hour,
Me
rushing to pick her up losing all control and power.
When it
came to dirty diaper changes he became lazy,
I still
loved my husband but he was driving me crazy!
And those
foot rubs and massages disappeared with the horizon,
I decided
to confront hubby before I spiked his coffee with poison.
When baby
has eaten, been changed, burped and put to bed,
Then it's
mommy time so sanity returns to my head.
If
there's time after that then hubby you come in third!
Rolling
his eyes at the new rules he flipped me the bird.
“I'm
sorry but I need down time for me,” he said.
At which
point I promptly shoved him out of bed.
Your days
of lounging about putting you first are now over!
If you
want to regain your leisure find a four leaf clover.
My new
boss lady has turned me in to a human udder,
Thoughts
of trying on my jeans makes me shudder.
I need to
workout, get a facial or a mani-pedi,
But life
revolves around the kiddo not you or me.
Get down
with Fisher Price and Baby Einstein,
Pick up
the Baby Bullet and put down the beer stein!
Remember
your dreams of becoming a daddy?
It took
two to tango so baby made us three.
“Fatherhood
is more challenging than I expected,” he exclaimed.
His
selfish urges he swore would now be tamed.
Primary
parenting responsibilities hubby overtook,
Having
memorized each rhyme in the Mother Goose book.
In
getting our daughter to sleep he became an expert,
Feeding
her and not sweating spit up on his shirt.
Pampering
me returned as his priority,
Cooking
meals and putting away laundry.
A-plus
and gold stars earned for his hubby and parenting style,
No more
need to keep the divorce lawyer's number on speed dial!
© 2017. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.
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