Monday, 24 August 2020
Online Love in the Time of Covid by Naomi Elana Zener
1. If someone doesn’t include their PPE safety standards in their online dating profile, should I swipe left or right? What if their profile says they’ll wear masks but no face shields or goggles? I’m not sure that’s a deal breaker for now. I think I’ll just write “Maskhole antimaskers swipe left!” If they’re smart, they’ll figure it out. To be safe, I’ll add if they like Trump they should swipe left too.
2. Should I include photos of myself wearing a mask just in case we meet in real life so they can identify me by my mask style and my eyes?
3. How many virtual dates before I take it to the next level and meet in real life?
4. Covid testing is the new STD testing. Should I ask for 3 consecutive negative Covid tests before we meet in real life? Will that be enough or should I ask for 5? With 1 in 5 tests coming back with a false negative result, I’m thinking I should maybe go with 10? Benjamin Franklin did say that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If I include that quote in my profile it'll hopefully weed out losers who think Covid is harmless.
5. If I wear a mask on a date, how will my date know I’m actually smiling? I guess I could follow Tyra Banks’ advice and “smize”.
6. Will masks mask bad breath? Will people stop brushing their teeth as often since they’re wearing masks?
7. For in-person dates, I’m less worried about who will pay than who will bring sanitizer and Lysol wipes. What happens if one of us forgets to bring some? Can we share? If we do meet up in real life, how often do we reapply the hand sanitizer? I guess I’ll have to bring a safety kit with some Lysol wipes and sanitizer on all of my dates. Geez, I hope I don't get too many dates because I can't find Lysol wipes anywhere anymore and my stash is running low!
8. If I’m asked to go on a socially distant walking date, do I need to bring a tape measure to make sure we stay 6 feet apart? I guess I could put one in my safety kit just in case.
9. If I get asked to Netflix and Chill, what does that even mean now? Is this done by Zoom?
10. What happens if they live at home with their parents, we meet up and then one of us tests positive for Covid and we’re not a match? I have my own place. Would we have to self-isolate together? That really doesn’t work for me. I’ll stick with Zoom dates for now—Zoom dating is the new safe sex: no Covid exposure and no chance anyone is quarantining with me!
11. If I’m only open to Zoom dating, do I need to be open to Zoom sex? I’d have to take the tape off laptop camera for that, but Zoom hackers terrify me! I’m not ready for the world to see my private parts.
12. What happens if we start to develop feelings for each other and one of us gets sick? I mean there’s a solid chance that if they get Covid and we are Zoom dating they’ll still expect me to visit in the hospital or something. I don’t know if I’m ready for that level of commitment or Covid exposure. Maybe I should put in my profile that I’m not looking for a relationship?
13. What do monogamy and love even look like during the time of Covid? No sexting or phone sex with other people? Do you still take down your online dating profiles if you’ve never even met in real life and chances are you won’t until there’s a vaccine that’s not from Russia? I’m definitely including in my profile that I’m not looking for a relationship!
14. Glory holes? I think I’ll pass.
15. Maybe I should just invest in some good quality sex toys and cool it with all dating until there’s a vaccine (that’s not from Russia!)? I think I'm better off single until WHO or another global health body I can trust declares the Covid pandemic over.
© 2020. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.