Friday, 12 May 2017
When I told hubby I was ready for pregnancy,
Chardonnay, I had to legally separate from thee!
About fetal alcohol syndrome I was forwarned,
So our affair went on hiatus, indefinitely postponed .
Though not a big drinker I missed my libatious lover,
Our relationship one could not put asunder.
We were parted for almost a year,
Whether you'd remember me was my fear.
For nine long dry months how I watched others enjoy you,
To not partake in the nectar of the gods made me feel blue.
Well-behaved was I, avoiding you completely full stop.
Each time my eyes met you I tasted not one drop.
While I never craved you before my pregnancy,
Your absence made my heart grow fonder of thee.
Upon the departure of my baby from the womb,
Very quickly thereafter our old love returned in full bloom!
With an inconsolable crying baby,
Nightly imbibing is what saved me.
Only one glass and sometimes only half-full,
Enough to drown out the sobs of which my head was full.
Soon wine with dinner was added to the mix,
Adding a second glass to my nightly fix.
Loving my child greatly but from her screaming wanting to flee!
My sweet baby's colic was making an alcoholic out of me!
Decidedly returning to a teetotaler state,
Commited to no longer being an inebriate.
I poured out the wine removing every drop from my house,
Forced to join me on the wagon was my faithful spouse.
And to combat baby's nightly colic shriek and shout,
I purchased ear plugs to drown her cries out.
(C) 2017. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.
Tuesday, 11 April 2017
Very proud to become a papa my hubby was he,
Dreaming of parenthood he said since he was three.
Not common for men to admit such a truth,
In his behaviour he promised to offer up proof.
Guarantees of playing and reading with he or she,
And a large sparkling push present especially for me.
Massages were plentiful, with a daily foot rub,
Hubby drawing me bubble baths for frequent soaks in the tub.
When time came and my painful contractions began,
The first breach of contract was made by the man!
“Take me to the hospital at once!” I commanded.
“Please give me one more hour of sleep!” he demanded.
“This baby is coming whether or not you get of bed!”
“Alright I'll take you now but stop nagging!,” he pled.
In labour the nurse ordered: "Help her breathe! Hold up her leg!"
“Stop taking pictures of my mutilated vagina,” I begged.
After what seemed like an eternity,
In one fell swoop baby came out of me.
Hubby's promise to do everything to please her,
And giving me a diamond watch didn't hurt either,
Overtaken by love for this heavenly angel I was driven,
With our daughter's arrival all his sins were forgiven.
The detente remained in place until the first crisis arrived,
Baby's unending screaming from midnight to five.
“Feed her, hold her or rock her to sleep!” he cried.
I said: “She won't settle down no matter what I've tried.”
“Well figure it out I'm going back to sleep,” hubby announced.
And I said if he did out the door his ass would be bounced.
As weeks wore on in his daddy behaviour there was progression,
But without warning there was a sudden regression.
Daughter's crying went unanswered during his parenting hour,
Me rushing to pick her up losing all control and power.
When it came to dirty diaper changes he became lazy,
I still loved my husband but he was driving me crazy!
And those foot rubs and massages disappeared with the horizon,
I decided to confront hubby before I spiked his coffee with poison.
When baby has eaten, been changed, burped and put to bed,
Then it's mommy time so sanity returns to my head.
If there's time after that then hubby you come in third!
Rolling his eyes at the new rules he flipped me the bird.
“I'm sorry but I need down time for me,” he said.
At which point I promptly shoved him out of bed.
Your days of lounging about putting you first are now over!
If you want to regain your leisure find a four leaf clover.
My new boss lady has turned me in to a human udder,
Thoughts of trying on my jeans makes me shudder.
I need to workout, get a facial or a mani-pedi,
But life revolves around the kiddo not you or me.
Get down with Fisher Price and Baby Einstein,
Pick up the Baby Bullet and put down the beer stein!
Remember your dreams of becoming a daddy?
It took two to tango so baby made us three.
“Fatherhood is more challenging than I expected,” he exclaimed.
His selfish urges he swore would now be tamed.
Primary parenting responsibilities hubby overtook,
Having memorized each rhyme in the Mother Goose book.
In getting our daughter to sleep he became an expert,
Feeding her and not sweating spit up on his shirt.
Pampering me returned as his priority,
Cooking meals and putting away laundry.
A-plus and gold stars earned for his hubby and parenting style,
No more need to keep the divorce lawyer's number on speed dial!
© 2017. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.
Saturday, 11 March 2017
I always lived a life rich in culture,
A lover of art, mostly paintings and sculpture.
To museums I'd jaunt in any spare hour,
Mesmerized by the tableaus in every corner I'd scour.
Pollock, Dix, Manet, Rothko, Bacon and Twombly,
Curator may I take them home with me?
To commemorate my marriage my art collection commenced
My husband participating noting every cent spent.
Costly to acquire but priceless in value
From no destruction or loss was there any rescue.
Excited by the news of my pregnancy,
I'd share these treasures with my child growing in me.
A promise made upon my little angel's arrival,
Her creative spirit I swore never to stifle.
Each day she would soak in the panopoly of images.
The abstract shapes, vibrant colours and figurative visages.
When her first paint set came from Granny,
What would she draw we could not wait to see.
Left alone in quiet contemplation,
We gave her freedom to find inspiration.
A landscape? A still life? Or something surreal?
No matter the subject we'd love it with zeal~
Would my petite artiste be the next Picasso?
Anything her mind conjured I woud love it so!
Returning to unveil her inaugural creation,
We discovered something beyond expectation.
Rather than render a new design,
Princess decided to improve one of mine!
An abstract colourless geometrical print no longer,
Now transformed into a vibrant red and yellow pointilist watercolour!
Elation, rage, bargaining, denial, and depression,
I landed on my therapist's couch as a result of her newfound expression.
Life before-child was being mourned - woe to me!
Head doctor said “Accept your new reality.”
Home I returned to put the paints out of baby's reach,
Until the value of each piece of art to my daughter I'd teach.
Trying to find peace in the death of my once invaluable painting,
I tried to uncover her hidden talent without collapsing and fainting.
Moral of the story - keep your valuable goods stored away,
Or you'll be selling your new post-modern versions like me on Ebay!
(C) 2017. Naomi Elana Zener. All Rights Reserved.